When it's time to divorce your husband. Do I need to get a divorce?
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How to understand that it’s time to get a divorce? It would seem that for a question. If there are reasons for a divorce, then you will understand everything. If the spouse cheats, screams, beats, if relations to each other just changed, if there are no joint interests, then it is time to apply for divorce. Right? Not quite right. This is a very simplified model that does not take into account many factors.
And to decide to terminate the legalized relationship is not as easy as it seems.
On the other hand, it is thoughts about the future that are the obstacle that does not allow taking a decisive step and dissolving the marriage. Although the situation in the family has long required this, but do I need to get a divorce? Constant swearing, crying children who are constantly in a state of nervous tension, obliquely looking neighbors, pestering relatives - all this had to be stopped a very long time ago. But the hope that this is all temporary and that soon the spouse (or spouse) will change and everything will be fine did not allow this step to be taken. Therefore, if everything is not good in your family and something is disturbing, something makes you think about whether to continue this marriage further, do a little analysis. About it below.
Case study of a family psychologist
In order to better understand the essence of the issue, we consider a practical case. A woman who turned 29 years old turned to a family psychologist for advice. Her marriage lasted 8 years, her husband was 3 years older than her, the family had a child who was about 4 years old. The feeling of love that led the spouses to bond family ties disappeared a year after marriage, leaving the spouses the most mundane everyday life. It turned out that the spouses did not have topics for communication, did not experience any pleasant emotions together, and sex with them was extremely rare. According to the woman, she practically did not experience sexual arousal in relation to her spouse, and those rare moments of intimacy between them took place solely on the initiative of the spouse. Moreover, such an initiative on the part of the spouse was more like coercion to sex and the woman did not experience reciprocal desires.
When a child was born in the family, the spouses became very distant from each other. Almost every day there were strong quarrels that once estranged people who were in love with each other. They did not discuss anything together, tried to be in different rooms, and in the kitchen, when they ate, they did it in silence. Laughter and joy, positive emotions almost disappeared from this family. During the next quarrel, when the clarification of relations passed to the most climax, the husband bluntly stated that he retains this marriage only for the sake of the child.
This nightmare lasted until the woman got out of maternity leave to work. Sharp contrast with home decor, the presence of other men among colleagues very quickly led to the fact that she fell in love with one of them and they began an affair. It is interesting that there was no intimacy with a colleague; their relationship could be 100% classified as platonic. This led to a woman's feelings of hostility and intense irritability towards her spouse. Our heroine could no longer tolerate and told her husband that she wanted to get a divorce. Despite all the nightmare that they had in their family for more than 5 years, my husband did not expect such a statement and was sincerely against it. He asked to give him a second chance, to which our heroine agreed.
The next year was very difficult for them. During this period, a woman more than once decided to leave her husband and her child, but feelings of pity for her husband and a fear of being alone were struggling in her. The novel is a novel, but who knows what actions these men are ready to take? And then self-flagellation and self-torture begins. It seems to the woman that she still loves her betrothed, otherwise she does not see any reason to continue relations with him. This situation led to the fact that our heroine appeared constant apathy, turning into depression. She sees neither her future with her husband, nor the possible happiness with him or anyone else. Where are the guarantees that her current spouse is the worst that she could get? After all, it can be worse, much worse, and you do not need to go far for examples. And here is at least a joint child connecting them both.
Is divorce a panacea for all the problems?
Before deciding to divorce, you need to work on the bugs. Who is to blame for the fact that such a difficult relationship has developed in the family that cannot be called a relationship? Most psychologists are convinced that the fault lies with both spouses, regardless of who filed for divorce and who rowd, drank, and made scandals in the family. Returning specifically to the situation with our heroine, in whom love fell a year after marriage, one needs to ask her a question: what did she personally do in order to maintain this love? Both husband and wife can not long experience to each other those sharp and passionate feelings that were before marriage.
Six months or a year, psychologists devote maximum to such feelings, and then those warm family feelings for each other come that need to be maintained throughout the rest of the married life.
But, firstly, these feelings need to be created. By themselves, they do not come. Many couples intuitively create them, doing common hobbies, visiting some sections together, working together, doing common business, etc. Other couples need to work on this consciously. Otherwise, time passes and people are completely alien to each other.
Secondly, warm family feelings do not mean that between spouses they cannot periodically flare up the thrills in relation to each other that they experienced before marriage and in his first six months or a year. It only strengthens the marriage, makes it brighter, more joyful. Such a marriage can be compared with a bonfire, which goes out after an intense period of ignition, but smoldering coals remain, ready to instantly respond with a new bonfire, it is worth putting dry wood or paper into these coals. So warm family relationships they are just such charcoal, and the bonfire is those very bright, thrills to each other. At the same time, trips to the resort, romantic evenings, some success in the common business, etc. can also act as firewood. They arise on their own, when they are not expected, everything in the family develops well and suddenly there is an irresistible craving and interest in their life partner, with whom he has lived for more than one year. It is truly magnificent and worth a lot.
Therefore, not a divorce is a way out of this situation, namely an attempt to establish relations between spouses, to revive the love that was between them. Failing to achieve this in one marriage, the couple risk repeating all the same mistakes in another. Our heroine and her husband made no attempt to maintain their love, and when it became clear that the love was gone, then none of them made an attempt to resuscitate her. In this case, efforts should be made on both sides. It is important to understand here that when speaking of efforts, a conditional category is implied. It should not be attempts through force, with the motto to overcome everything impossible, at any cost. Not. Spouses should sincerely desire this.
Marriage as a remedy against love
In the considered example, it was clear that the heroine had certain reverent feelings for her husband. She felt sorry for him and could not leave him, he tried to look after her, which means there was a chance for a resumption of relations and the return of love. But the inertia of the previous behavior made itself felt. The attempts of both spouses were insufficient, as if they were afraid of their feelings, carefully hiding them from each other. You need to understand that everyday life, routine, the appearance of a child in the family is not an excuse for extinct relationships. All this is an excuse for an illiterate approach to the proper organization of their family life.
Even if everything is good in the family, then each of the spouses is required regular actions in order to maintain the attention of their chosen one to themselves. It very often happens as follows. A girl or woman, very pretty, gets married, and after a couple of years you can’t recognize her: a lot of weight, tasteless clothes, a casual walk, poor posture. She is not yet 25 or 30 years old, and she already looks 5-10 years older than she really is. Men, in such cases, do not lag behind women: a beer belly, a double (triple) chin, and in front of their wife they flaunt at home in family shorts, managing not to take their hands out of there. What is there to save and reanimate? Where are those beautiful princes and princesses who stood before the altar 5-6 years ago and swore allegiance to each other until death?
There is no excuse for such cases. Physical activity is available in all conditions. And you can and should monitor your habits in an apartment, house, tent, dormitory, etc. After all, before becoming a husband and wife, the first one would not have thought to show his beloved more steadily and would not have picked his nose with her. He always smelled good, he was shaved and well-dressed. And the wife before marriage came to a well-groomed date, having previously spent on cosmetics and a hairdresser. At a minimum, using the help of a girlfriend regarding her wardrobe and exterior. Both watched their appearance and figure. Both were sensitive to each other. He could calmly wash the dishes and clean - this did not bother him at all, but was glad that he could show and show such attention to his chosen one. A woman acted similarly, without experiencing any difficulties.
Everything came from the heart. Do you really think that the stamp in the passport somehow changes people and they no longer need the same attention to each other that was before marriage? The question is rhetorical. Of course, you need, but where can I get it? So it turns out that, having sealed their bonds in the registry office, young people bury their love, and this should not be. It is not the seal in the passport that holds your hearts together, but your actions make your bonds strong or, on the contrary, destroy them.
What needs to be done before deciding to divorce?
Before deciding whether to divorce or not, a thorough analysis of the whole situation needs to be done. Perhaps there’s nothing to reanimate, or maybe it wasn’t originally. It so happens that a marriage concluded by necessity or by calculation, is originally designed to fail. Perhaps your chosen one or chosen one turned out to be completely different people, showed themselves from a different, not their best side. There is a universal way to understand what is happening. It consists in the fact that you need to contact a psychologist. It will help determine the source of the problems that have arisen in the family and will help to eliminate it.
If his help is ineffective, try contacting another specialist. Follow the rule that destroying marriage and relationships is much easier than creating them. It is not a fact that your other chosen one will turn out to be more pliable than the one who is now next to you and who is trying to save your marriage and your family. A psychologist will help you understand if there is a chance to save a family. And then proceed according to the algorithm. If you have the opportunity to save your family, go for it, try it, fight for your marriage - it's worth it. But if all the possibilities are exhausted, but there is no shift in the direction of the desired result, this means that you need to get a divorce.
The situation discussed above is very indicative of an example, and to one degree or another, such factors are manifested in many broken families. But almost until the very last moment this family had and still has a chance. The problem is that both spouses do not know what to do. The specialist will suggest ways to solve problems that are completely non-trivial and require special knowledge that you do not have, but have a psychologist. A specialist will help you objectively understand whether it’s time to get a divorce. . But until then, they will make every effort to save your marriage. And if he didn’t succeed, then with a pure soul and conscience you can file for divorce.
How to figure out your decision on your own?
But it may happen that there is no way to turn to a psychologist for help. Suppose you live in a small town in which the only psychologist in the entire village is your mother-in-law or mother-in-law. It is clear that in most cases it is not worthwhile to turn to such a specialist for help. Or you just have prejudices about psychological help. How is it that you, a self-sufficient person, allow a stranger uncle or aunt to delve into your family underwear? Yes, never! Not the best approach, but the choice is yours. We decided to do it ourselves - please!
Analyze the situation in your family, reflecting on the following state of things in the family. Look at whether you like the way your spouse looks, what he smells, how he eats food. What do you feel when he touches you, and what do you feel when he is happy, smiling, or sad? Next, pay attention to how you strive to return home. Does it look like to see the native walls, or do you have to look for a reason to stay at work, with friends, etc.?
How often do you join intimate relationship with her life partner and how long does it last? During an intimacy, both partners experience an orgasm, or is only a representative of a strong part of humanity satisfied? Do you continue to build joint plans for the future, do you have conversations on topics of interest to both spouses? Do you have any unexplained painful symptoms that doctors cannot clearly explain: does your head hurt, does your blood pressure rise, your back bothers, etc.?
How to find out the result of the answers to these questions?
Frankly answering the questions posed above, you will be able to compose for yourself a certain objective picture of the current situation in the family. If all the answers to these questions have negative connotations, then this means that you have nothing in common with your life partner and you have long had an idea about this, but you demanded another proof. You can even say that the current relationship can hardly be called such. They simply do not exist. It will be very difficult to answer the question explaining why you have not split up yet.
But you need to remember that if, giving an answer to at least one question, you experience pleasant sensations, for example, between spouses excellent and regular sex or they have general plans for the future, etc., this means that you do not have to rush to dissolve the marriage. Spouses have the potential to help revive their relationship.
October 18, 2015
Dear readers, today, we will talk about such a not very pleasant topic, like divorce, or rather "Divorce or not?". They often ask me: “How did I decide to get a divorce with three children?” I always answer that it was not easy, it was a serious stress for me and the children. In addition, I believe that you need to get a divorce only if all options for maintaining the relationship have already been tested, and all of them have been ineffective in your case. And you need to try all possible methods: discuss your experiences with your husband, attend or use methods known to you.
Many women do not get divorced because they feel their financial failure. They have thoughts that how we will provide children, pay for their needs, etc. One of my friends once said that if I knew that I would receive a certain amount of money on my card every month, I would think if I should keep the marriage, or better to get a divorce. This position, to put it mildly, is not close to me and is not clear. This, in my opinion, is a consumer attitude to a partner and disrespect for oneself. It turns out that a woman sells herself into slavery to a man and is ready to admit her bankruptcy in terms of making money.
And what will such a woman do when the children grow up? Quietly hate your spouse and regret the surrendered is not clear why years of youth? And how should a man feel next to such a woman? It is unlikely that she will invest in family relations, initially having such an approach. Moreover, the question arises as to whether the woman herself will be happy from such a convenience chosen by her? With whom will she share her femininity? In fact, this is a very consumer position, and it is by no means connected with the fear of being left without money, but rather with laziness. Combining work and raising children is very hard work, therefore, many women prefer to "reconcile" and live life with a not beloved, but comfortable man. I will not argue, this is someone's choice and must be respected.
But does a woman understand what price she herself pays for it? How is life for money with a married man different from prostitution? Does the woman understand this? Most likely not, because most women in this case try to pose as a “victim of circumstances”. If you live according to the scenario described above, then there are three ways: change everything with this man, leave him, if nothing happens and change, finally become a person, or leave everything as it is. In the third case, you should remember that you will pay for everything at the cost of your unhappy life.
There is another option. When a woman works herself, she keeps a husband, and brings up children. And her beloved missus lies on the couch and takes advantage of the situation. In this case, you should conduct internal work on yourself and first of all start changing everything. It is worth getting a divorce if the husband is violent towards you or the children. Here I consider it necessary to be categorical! If a man does not want to visit a psychotherapist and work with aggression, he must leave without turning around. Nothing will change, it will not begin to value you, do not wait. The only thing you will wait for is that children will constantly receive one psychological trauma after another.
As for me, I got divorced because my spouse did not value me and did not make contact to change the situation. From his point of view, the problem of our relations was the lack of a sufficient amount of finance. And I just every day began to respect him less and less for the lack of sensitivity and the ability to be strong and seasoned. And then, as usual, it happens with people, each tried to shout his position to the other, not trying to actually save anything. To each his rightness was more valuable than his relationship. When I realized this, I had no doubt. I filed for divorce ... For me and for my children, this was not a disaster, but rather the beginning of a new life. I will talk about this in my future articles. We will be happy if you share your stories. Perhaps for someone they will become an impetus to take a step towards a happier and more joyful life.
Good afternoon, dear men! Today I would like to talk about a difficult question - is it worth it to divorce my wife? In family life, not everything is easy and fabulous. There are quarrels, scandals, tantrums, withdrawals to the left, betrayals. How many obstacles can pass true love? Let's try to understand the reasons for this desire, see what you can do about it and what you should definitely think about before you start a serious conversation with your spouse.
Causes
I hope you understand very well that divorcing a person simply because I want it is the worst case scenario. Really need a reason for such a serious step.
Frequent quarrels, constant scandals, the wife always cuts, does not allow to breathe calmly, tormented by her distrust. Or maybe your missus is cheating on you? Or do you have the thought of a mistress crept in?
If the family does not have love for spouses, thoughts of divorce may arise. When you look at a person and feel nothing. There is not even a simple relationship. This is a completely alien person. No more rapport common topics for conversations, and I don’t really want to talk.
Most often, in case of a breakdown in relations, it is more common for us to look for a reason in another person, and not in ourselves. Therefore, I suggest you to delve into yourself for a change. Start with yourself that you are not comfortable, what you are doing wrong, that you would like to change, how you can change it.
You can even ask your spouse, for the sake of interest, to ask if everything suits her in your relationship. Perhaps a frank conversation will push you in the right direction.
Is there any way to fix this
Once you understand what causes the idea of \u200b\u200bdivorce in your head, go to the next step - look for a solution to the problem without taking into account divorce. For starters, try to understand how you can build relationships, because to destroy is not to build.
It’s very easy to lose everything, ruin relationships, destroy possible happiness. But then to restore all this is extremely difficult. Therefore, do not break fever and think.
To get started, calm down and do not act on emotions. You can make so many important decisions only on a sober and cold head. When emotions calm down, calmly analyze everything and understand if there is a solution in favor of the relationship.
If you are tired of the eternal oppression of your wife, then here is a great article that will tell you how to get along with a woman who has a difficult character - “”.
Thinking about cheating on your beloved little wife? She stopped frolic in bed with you and because of this you want to break up? Believe me, this issue is quite simple to solve. Be convinced of it, having read articles "" and "".
Of course, a person does not always do the right thing. If your reason for divorce is her betrayal, it's up to you to forgive her or not. Just think it over. For in my piggy bank there is a case when a man forgave his wife for treason, allowed him to return to his family, and then throughout the whole time he spread rot and humiliated her for the last act. It’s better to leave if you can’t forgive.
Nuances
Before such an important act, be sure to think not only about yourself. If you have children, you should definitely not rush. Believe me, children are very difficult to survive the breakdown of their parents. Of course in different ages This happens in different ways, but I’m telling you for sure that divorce affects a child a lot.
But to stay in a family where for a long time there has been no happiness and love only because of the children does not make sense. So you only make matters worse. One of my acquaintances married couples quietly and peacefully divorced and now their joint children have two wonderful, happy and loving families.
Remember that you cannot manipulate a child during a divorce, you cannot try to take it away, and you cannot play on the feelings of the child. Imagine that it is a porcelain vase that can easily be broken from any of your wrong deeds.
Division of property. Another ugly and sad side of divorce. Spouses who have lived together for a long time get a whole bunch of things together, real estate, mobility, pets and so on. How much will the wife receive child support? How do you share one shared apartment? Etc.
If you think that divorce is a simple and easy thing, then I hasten to upset you. This happens only by mutual agreement. When both spouses understand the need for this action and calmly resolve all issues. If one of the spouses does not want a divorce, is offended, angry, then, most likely, problems can not be avoided.
Don't think I'm trying to scare you. Quite the contrary, I try to prepare you as much as possible for possible options. Women react very unpredictably to the phrase - dear, we need to get a divorce.
Effects
A little bit about the consequences. According to statistics, more than half of divorced men, even having got a second family, consider their first wife better. Try to leave for a while, live separately from your missus, maybe you just spend too much time together and are already too used to each other?
Remember the movie "Paris, I love you." In one of the short stories, a man fiercely wants to get a divorce, he already has a different woman, a young and beautiful lover, and his wife is already disgusted with no strength to endure. When he wants to talk to her, she informs him of her deadly illness.
The husband decides to stay with her. And while he was courting, doing very simple and ordinary things for her, being with her, he fell in love with her again. And all the realization that she was going to die soon and he could no longer approach her, hug her, smell her hair.
In any case, if you decide to divorce, I strongly recommend that you not act without her consent. It is better to listen to a bunch of negativity in your address, to withstand her anger, but be honest and not betray everything that was between you. The worst that one of the spouses can do is to commit a similar act behind his back.
Remember one simple thing - until the person has left, then he is still happy with it. And if you really can’t endure anymore, you understand that these relations have ended long ago, you don’t see another way out, well, divorce will be the right decision.
Be sure to read the article "". Perhaps she will tell you that one right optionwhich will push you to the right decision.
What are your thoughts on divorce? Have you already spoken about this with your spouse? Is it still possible to save the relationship? Have there been divorces in your life?
I'm sure you accept the right decision.
Best wishes to you!
