I don’t even know how much this “problem” is a problem and how psychological it is. I am 25 years old and we can say that I can not find a girlfriend. But first things first.

At the age of 15-16 years, when the "cool boys" from the class switched from toys and became interested in girls, I did not join their group. While everyone was running after the girls, trying to get acquainted with classmates, building their still childhood relationships and getting their first kisses on a bench in the yard, I acted like a child. He talked a little with his peers and was passionate about his own, only interesting to me games. I have never had many friends, and those with whom I talked are 1 - 2 people. Basically, I sat reading books and thinking about mine. But it was a long time ago and remembering everything is already difficult.

A couple of years passed and I entered the first year of the institute. Here already many, having become a little older, began to look for "life partners." The benefit of diversity among freshmen was much more than at school. But it had no effect on me. I was always somehow strange, and did not get involved in society. Sort of white crow. And this - partly I liked, to stand out, to be somehow unusual, not like everyone else. Not a gray mass. But time passed and the desire to find a girl grew stronger. Why do Vasya and Petit have girlfriends, but I don’t? I wondered. But every attempt to meet rested against an invisible wall of misunderstanding, and more often the problem was precisely in me. Without experience of acquaintances and not understanding the rules of communication with women, I often "stupid" and did not know what to do and what to say. In general, my pathetic attempts led only to disappointment, and after the second such no luck, I quickly gave up. Well, my time has not come yet, I consoled myself and calmed down on this. Around the same time, I began to actively explore the virtual space, or, to be more precise, the very popular and then known text chat ICQ. There I met many girls from different cities and different ages. More often than not, within 2 to 4 years of difference with me. Strange, but in the chat I felt at ease. I was interesting, unusual, amazing. And they often told me that. I was glad that I was interested in someone and each time invented something new. Could talk for hours with a particular girl constantly captivating her with new topics. Gradually, the virtual network took me to me and I appeared less and less in real life. Chat and computer games carried me much more than street and real communication. So I met a girl who seemed to me to be my ideal. She always understood me and listened, sympathized, sent compliments and sent messages from which it became joyful and warm in my soul. She lived in Ukraine, I am in Russia. After about a year of our communication, I got the idea to go to visit her, but it was at that moment that there was a discord in our communication. Either we were tired of each other, or something happened, but she met another guy on the Internet and I did not go to her. Parting, albeit virtual, was incredibly difficult for me; I was worried and thought about death, that life had ceased to make sense to me. No, I can’t say that I seriously thought about suicide, but I was very depressed.

As you know, time heals and gradually I forgot my first and most powerful virtual love. Other girls from the same chat came to replace her. I spoke with them with a new wave of interest. Every day I recognized them better and better. And parted with time. But this was not so painful and insulting. At about 22 I met in computer game with Katya. Katya was 37. She has two children and she naturally lived in another city, but it somehow did not soar. And then she decided to come. The week spent with her in one apartment and one bed became for me a little paradise. This probably can not be compared with anything. I was so comfortable and cozy with her that I just dreamed of staying with her forever. But the week passed and it was time to say goodbye. I was upset, but deep down I was comforting myself that we would not part for good and would see each other again in a few months, but for now we would still communicate on the Internet. In total, over 2 years of our communication, she came to me twice, and I came to her twice. But over time, and we are tired of this relationship. They started quarreling and cursing, then they seemed to part as if, but I could not forget her and kept thinking about her. And after a while we started talking again. But this was not the case; there was some kind of chill or something. I don’t even know how to describe it. We parted as friends. They just stopped writing to each other, but they didn’t quarrel. I realized that it’s worth trying to find a life partner in your city and my age. But here is the problem. Lack of experience in the relationship made itself felt. I don’t know how to behave with stranger girl. After a brief correspondence in some kind of chat or via SMS, we meet, but I feel some kind of confusion, I’m lost, all my talent to captivate with my interest disappears right before our eyes, and in addition to this, during the meeting, I begin to notice mistakes that I make. It all seems commonplace. I didn’t move the chair back in the cafe, I didn’t help to take off my coat, I didn’t open the door in front of her, but it all adds up in my head and it seems to me that I was just terrible towards the girl. And therefore, coming home in the evening, I’m lost in wondering whether I should call her, how she perceived me, maybe it should not be imposed, because almost certainly she didn’t like me. I do not know how to overcome this and what should I do. Another care in virtual world   at the age of 25 seems absurd to me. BUT new attempt   date causes some fear.

I try to think everything through to the smallest detail. Where do we go, what will we do, what to talk about. How much time will we spend in one place or another. But often my "ideal" plans do not really coincide with what is really happening, at the right time I do not decide on this or that movement. Take a hand, hug, kiss. After all, I had not thought of it before and the brain begins to convulsively sort through the options for what to do. As a result, my slowness is fatal. Together with my general isolation and rare chances to meet someone, I perceive my every new defeat on the love front especially strongly, wondering what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm not handsome, maybe stupid? No, it’s like normal, I study, work, make good money, smart and enjoyable communication, at least friends say so. So what is wrong and how is it possible to find the one that will accept and understand me? Or maybe my time hasn’t come yet?