Why can't I get a job?
You have not been able to find a girl for a long time? Have you ever had a girl in your life? There is an illusion that to achieve this goal there is not enough information needed. You look for articles on the Internet, go to psychological or pickup forums, study all sorts of seduction theories, look at other people's experiences, collect information about the psychology of women, study their needs, find out how to make an appointment, what to say, how to bring a conversation to a topic ?
And you still do not have enough information, all the time it seems that you still haven’t learned something, you haven’t understood something, so you delve into the theory again and again. You are constantly delaying the beginning of action. Sometimes you make timid attempts to talk with someone, get to know each other. Some internal brakes hold you back, and you still can’t decide. When communicating with girls, you feel constrained, you cannot openly say that you like someone, but speak around the bush, not on business. And many other reasons why you are postponing the active phase of dating.
If you proceed to actions, then you make only a few attempts that are not crowned with success. Failures fetter even more, I do not want to try again, so that again I would not feel a painful feeling of awkwardness. Hands drop, gloomy thoughts appear that it is not destined to ever find a mate at all, it becomes scary to remain a virgin for life, it is scary that no one will ever love you because of some ugliness. You begin to blame nature itself for being born so insecure. There is aggression towards parents for bringing up such a notorious person out of you.
It seems that the situation is hopeless, that it will never end. Friends and acquaintances already have couples, someone has already started a family, maybe someone from friends constantly brags about their sexual adventures, and you have to lie about your fictitious ones. This is very bitter. The feeling that no one likes you, that no one will ever love you is very painful, it is very difficult to live with it.
Errors and solutions
I'm ugly
If you have an idea that this is all due to appearance, then this is a far-fetched problem. You have undergone some influence, which formed the belief that you are ugly. A lot of young people, beautiful by nature, but have complexes because of their appearance. Even if you actually have an appearance that does not correspond to stereotypes about beauty, and you consider this to be the reason for your failure in women, you are mistaken.
If you are really confident in your ugliness, then my words cause strong protest. You want to exclaim: “Look, I’m a natural freak, I will never have a girl!” Every day I see myself in the mirror! ”I still won’t believe you, because in my practice there were a lot of cases when a person coped with complexes about his appearance and then easily got acquainted with the girls he likes. You are no exception, your problem is not unique. This is a problem of low self-esteem and the influence of stereotypes about the beauty of men.
Self-esteem is easy to adjust, you just need to get rid of and accept yourself for who it is. Effective methods for identifying and changing negative attitudes were developed decades ago, you just need to use them.
Regarding the fact that you allegedly "objectively" consider yourself ugly there is an article here. There is correspondence with your like-minded person. In the end, the reason for the appearance of such "objectivity" is described. If you do not want to re-read, I will quote the main idea of \u200b\u200bthe article:
Each person has a homosexual ideal - this is a person's idea of \u200b\u200bthe beauty of people of his own gender. Your appearance is most likely different from this ideal of beauty. You mistakenly attribute your ideas about male attractiveness to all surrounding women, especially those that you like. You think that they certainly have the same opinion. And since you yourself do not meet your homosexual ideal, you think that no one can please you. Here is a mechanism to justify your ugliness.
You just need to realize that women have different tastes - different women like different men. You definitely fall under someone's ideal of beauty, there are definitely women in your environment who like you externally. You simply do not notice them and do not notice the signs that they give you. This is how consciousness is arranged. If you have confidence in something, some “one hundred percent” knowledge, then you will be inclined to notice only the information that confirms the prevailing beliefs. The thought “I'm ugly” is a negative attitude. You will always find confirmation for her. Information that does not support this attitude is rejected and forgotten over time. After all, you have heard more than once that for most women, the appearance of a man is not important. Other qualities are important, for example, the sexual sensations that arise from her contacts with you. There are many studies of sexual preferences, where the beauty of men is not put in the first place by women when choosing a partner. You have missed all this, it doesn’t inspire confidence in you or, if you believe it, has flown out of your head over time.
I hope that after such a piece of information you will not forget that your beliefs are false and, accordingly, harm you. You already experience the consequences on yourself regularly.
Diffidence
The second reason that we restrain from active actions is self-doubt, insecurity in communication. These are the very reasons that cause stiffness when communicating with girls. Your behavior will scare the girl away, even if at first she has a sympathy for you.
At pick-up trainings from ignorance, they suggest doing a large number of approaches, as if from this the stiffness will disappear, learning with the number of repetitions will occur. As if a reflex would develop, like Pavlov’s dog. This does not actually happen. With each new acquaintance, the pikaper experiences the same gamut of feelings, he is internally not ready for contact. He learns a little to overcome his fear, but stiffness and posturing is always very well felt by people. One pikaper assured me, “What are you doing! It helped me! I learned! ”And at the same time he looked nervous and confused. This is not something to strive for.
The success of the girls is actually provided not by external data - the beauty of the face and not by a mountain of muscles, not by flashy, fashionable clothes - but by the ability to communicate with girls, the ability to cause sexual arousal. You can find a lot of revelations on the Internet when a guy is tall, athletic, with a pretty face, but still not popular with girls. Such women are attracted by their appearance, but until he opens his mouth. Success for girls is always guaranteed for those guys who can communicate.
Under the ability to communicate is not a set and sequence of correct phrases and not some tricks and manipulations. The ability to communicate means that you feel easy and at ease when communicating with girls. You can openly express your feelings - both joy and sadness - the whole gamut of feelings. The ability to communicate is when you are not shy about yourself and your thoughts, say what you think, are not afraid to show your girl sexual interest. All this adds up to your personal charm. This is a unique charm inherent only to you. Nothing depends on the number of words. It is not important what and how much you say, it is important how you say.
Unnaturalness
All people, very subtle receivers, we all feel each other very well, so the ease and ease cannot be portrayed. If you pretend to be, everyone will see it. It's just that not everyone will openly express this to you. You will be left with the impression of a fake. If you are a silent person, do not try to pretend to be a talker, “the soul of a company”, you will not succeed. Now there is a fashion for a certain mental state - this is the state of “eternal positive”, such a person with a motor in one place. This condition is attributed to everyone. successful people, including the guys who are popular with girls. In this fashion, everyone is imposed this way of behavior. Very many people by nature, not inclined to such behavior, try to portray the positive and the "soul of the company", which looks very funny, and sometimes causes irritation.
Much wiser to be natural. Use what is given to you by nature and you will get the most out of it. Nature has rewarded you with a certain set of qualities, predispositions, and they need to be updated - this is the path to a healthy, successful person. To easily communicate, you need to gradually engage in the liberation of their instincts. Communication with girls is a manifestation of sexual instinct. Confident communication is achieved by the ability to openly express your feelings.
I don’t even know how much this “problem” is a problem and how psychological it is. I am 25 years old and we can say that I can not find a girlfriend. But first things first.At the age of 15-16 years, when the "cool boys" from the class switched from toys and became interested in girls, I did not join their group. While everyone was running after the girls, trying to get acquainted with classmates, building their still childhood relationships and getting their first kisses on a bench in the yard, I acted like a child. He talked a little with his peers and was passionate about his own, only interesting to me games. I have never had many friends, and those with whom I talked are 1 - 2 people. Basically, I sat reading books and thinking about mine. But it was a long time ago and remembering everything is already difficult.
A couple of years passed and I entered the first year of the institute. Here already many, having become a little older, began to look for "life partners." The benefit of diversity among freshmen was much more than at school. But it had no effect on me. I was always somehow strange, and did not get involved in society. Sort of white crow. And this - partly I liked, to stand out, to be somehow unusual, not like everyone else. Not a gray mass. But time passed and the desire to find a girl grew stronger. Why do Vasya and Petit have girlfriends, but I don’t? I wondered. But every attempt to meet rested against an invisible wall of misunderstanding, and more often the problem was precisely in me. Without experience of acquaintances and not understanding the rules of communication with women, I often "stupid" and did not know what to do and what to say. In general, my pathetic attempts led only to disappointment, and after the second such no luck, I quickly gave up. Well, my time has not come yet, I consoled myself and calmed down on this. Around the same time, I began to actively explore the virtual space, or, to be more precise, the very popular and then known text chat ICQ. There I met many girls from different cities and different ages. More often than not, within 2 to 4 years of difference with me. Strange, but in the chat I felt at ease. I was interesting, unusual, amazing. And they often told me that. I was glad that I was interested in someone and each time invented something new. Could talk for hours with a particular girl constantly captivating her with new topics. Gradually, the virtual network took me to me and I appeared less and less in real life. Chat and computer games carried me much more than street and real communication. So I met a girl who seemed to me to be my ideal. She always understood me and listened, sympathized, sent compliments and sent messages from which it became joyful and warm in my soul. She lived in Ukraine, I am in Russia. After about a year of our communication, I got the idea to go to visit her, but it was at that moment that there was a discord in our communication. Either we were tired of each other, or something happened, but she met another guy on the Internet and I did not go to her. Parting, albeit virtual, was incredibly difficult for me; I was worried and thought about death, that life had ceased to make sense to me. No, I can’t say that I seriously thought about suicide, but I was very depressed.
As you know, time heals and gradually I forgot my first and most powerful virtual love. Other girls from the same chat came to replace her. I spoke with them with a new wave of interest. Every day I recognized them better and better. And parted with time. But this was not so painful and insulting. At about 22 I met in computer game with Katya. Katya was 37. She has two children and she naturally lived in another city, but it somehow did not soar. And then she decided to come. The week spent with her in one apartment and one bed became for me a little paradise. This probably can not be compared with anything. I was so comfortable and cozy with her that I just dreamed of staying with her forever. But the week passed and it was time to say goodbye. I was upset, but deep down I was comforting myself that we would not part for good and would see each other again in a few months, but for now we would still communicate on the Internet. In total, over 2 years of our communication, she came to me twice, and I came to her twice. But over time, and we are tired of this relationship. They started quarreling and cursing, then they seemed to part as if, but I could not forget her and kept thinking about her. And after a while we started talking again. But this was not the case; there was some kind of chill or something. I don’t even know how to describe it. We parted as friends. They just stopped writing to each other, but they didn’t quarrel. I realized that it’s worth trying to find a life partner in your city and my age. But here is the problem. Lack of experience in the relationship made itself felt. I don’t know how to behave with stranger girl. After a brief correspondence in some kind of chat or via SMS, we meet, but I feel some kind of confusion, I’m lost, all my talent to captivate with my interest disappears right before our eyes, and in addition to this, during the meeting, I begin to notice mistakes that I make. It all seems commonplace. I didn’t move the chair back in the cafe, I didn’t help to take off my coat, I didn’t open the door in front of her, but it all adds up in my head and it seems to me that I was just terrible towards the girl. And therefore, coming home in the evening, I’m lost in wondering whether I should call her, how she perceived me, maybe it should not be imposed, because almost certainly she didn’t like me. I do not know how to overcome this and what should I do. Another care in virtual world at the age of 25 seems absurd to me. BUT new attempt date causes some fear.
I try to think everything through to the smallest detail. Where do we go, what will we do, what to talk about. How much time will we spend in one place or another. But often my "ideal" plans do not really coincide with what is really happening, at the right time I do not decide on this or that movement. Take a hand, hug, kiss. After all, I had not thought of it before and the brain begins to convulsively sort through the options for what to do. As a result, my slowness is fatal. Together with my general isolation and rare chances to meet someone, I perceive my every new defeat on the love front especially strongly, wondering what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm not handsome, maybe stupid? No, it’s like normal, I study, work, make good money, smart and enjoyable communication, at least friends say so. So what is wrong and how is it possible to find the one that will accept and understand me? Or maybe my time hasn’t come yet?
Any girl dreams of a serious relationship. True, not everyone has such happiness. It seems that she’s smart, and beautiful, she embroiders with a cross, but a serious prince still doesn’t come across.
The injustice of life, karma, or does it still make sense to look for a reason in yourself?
1. Most of the good guys that come across your path automatically “go to the friend zone”.
Even those who are in love with you do not drink or smoke, with golden hands and other “bonuses” best husband in the world. You just don’t notice them.
Maybe you look at friends? Suddenly, someone's wounded heart is now beating in unison with yours?
2. Your selection criteria are too harsh.
Perhaps you are looking for a prince with a villa on the island, an infinitely long car and with a thick bundle of gold credit cards. And, of course, he should be a blue-eyed blond under 2 meters and with oblique fathom in the shoulders.
And he must love children and dogs, constantly travel, not drink and not look at other girls, and also accept you with all your shortcomings.
Do not look for the perfect guy, he is already taken! Lower the bar of your claims, and happiness will surely smile at you.
3. Those guys that you liked were flawed.
One did not lower the toilet seat, the other double brewed one tea bag, the third threw socks anywhere. Horror!
And you tried very hard, slowly removing the “shavings” and trying to fix the insolents (each in turn), but this never happened.
So maybe - not worth it? Why fix them if they are what they are? After all, you would not want to be corrected? Take it the way you love it.
4. You are not there looking for your prince.
Princes do not go to discotheques - they work and get tired in the evening. Princes do not seek adventure in eateries (they do not seek adventure at all).
And they don’t meet in bars either.
It is possible that your hero is that young man who walks his Labrador every morning near your house. Or there’s that man who gave you a place in the subway, and then did not take his eyes off you to the very “final” one. Or the guy who constantly reads the same book in a cafe where you drink tea at lunch time.
5. You are not so looking for your prince.
Perhaps you are too open in your desire to meet the Hero of your novel?
Too deep neckline, too short skirts, too much makeup and coquetry, too much alcohol at the party ...
Men love naturalness. And they always feel women who are “hunters” (not a single hunter, of whom a man is by nature) will want to become a “game”.
6. You are not interested in anyone.
We put aside “what else”, “yes it cannot be” and “yes I am the most, the most!” And face it.
What can you offer a man, besides talking about girlfriends, shops, fashion clothes and yoga? In addition to intrigue, gossip, slander, harmful character? Besides the love of brands and labels?
Men love smart, independent and self-confident women who are not fixated on fashion. They play with silly, capricious schemers, and marry smart ones.
7. You have too many complexes.
It happens that a woman is plain-looking, “no faces, no skin”, her legs are curved, her breasts are small, her hair is sparse, and the man next to her is just off the cover of a magazine. Injustice? No!
Just this woman is self-confident, knows how to file herself and is not fixated on her shortcomings.
Men get tired of women's “complexes”. And how will they love you the way they are, if you yourself are not capable of it?
8. You are not ready for a serious relationship.
That is, with your thoughts, you are already walking down the aisle in a white dress and you choose booties for the kids, but in reality you have not yet matured for a serious relationship and family life.
Analyze your desires. If your dreams include a wedding limousine, romantic nights on the ocean, beautiful little things for kids and a tiny dog \u200b\u200bto match the color of the furniture, then you are definitely not ready.
Enjoy freedom and take your time to get married.
9. You are “your boyfriend” for all your men you know.
It’s fun with you in the company, you can talk about failures with the girls, they ask you for advice and even stay overnight if the “girlfriend kicked out”. But no one sees a woman in you.
There are 2 options. Option 1: you lack femininity. Try to look at your appearance and your behavior with a skeptical look. If you smoke, masterfully spit right into the urn 2 meters away from you, chase the ball with the men, swearing like a shoemaker - it's time to change something. Option 2 - your prince has not yet appeared.
10. You are sloppy.
Alas, that happens.
Pay attention to your manicure, to the teeth, to the abundance of pimples from excess cosmetics, to dirty shoes, torn tights, sweat stains on a blouse, etc.
Men love well-groomed women, who smell of comfort, tenderness and expensive perfumes.
11. You are too smart and crush your fans with intelligence.
He tells you about love, you tell him about Kant physics. He tells you about love, you tell him about Schopenhauer. Etc.
Sometimes it makes sense to look a little dumber than you are. Or at least talk less.
12. You are too busy.
Well, how can you meet your soul mate when in the morning you study, then work, then do your homework, and tomorrow all over again?
Look for time for your beloved! Go to the sea, go to the museum, ski, swim in the pool, participate in forums / trainings, etc. Enjoy life!
Cupids love happy people, optimists who do not complain about life and enjoy it to the fullest.
13. Because he simply does not need to be looked for.
Well, no, that's all. Happiness - it will find you.
You can just "lie on his road." And you don’t need to look specifically.
The more actively you seek, the more carefully it hides from you. Everything has its time!
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