Why does a man communicate with the former. Trust, but verify: what to do if a man communicates with a former
Hi this again Lesha Dar.
Now I will try to give advice to a girl who is in despair, and her question sounds like this ""
By the way, if you want me (Lesha Dar) to analyze exactly your situation with a man on this or another topic, then immediately subscribe to my newsletter ( entry form at the end of the article), and I will answer you through it. Everything is confidential and free.
And here is her letter:
Hello Alexey. Was shocked by changes in thinking, the newsletter helps to understand men. I am turning to you for help, since I am already on the verge of insanity. My boyfriend and I are getting married the day after tomorrow, during months we expect the appearance of our son.
We live together, it would seem, why grieve. But no ... The former lady (they were together for 6 years) constantly makes itself felt. Daily and nightly calls at any time of the day, and yesterday called me on the phone and cursed me and my child, called her larva and whore, screaming that I had taken him out of the family (although when we met him, I did not know that they were dating).
She said that I would soon bend, because brought damage to me and the babythat there will be no happiness for us and that the most interesting thing was said by such a phrase, I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU AT QUIET AND WILL NOT LIVE TO LIVE.
She said that she and my boyfriend are dating and sleepingthat they are doing well. I am shocked by everything, he sleeps at home every night, and when we call each other at work every hour. There was a terrible scandal, he denies everything.
I'm nervous bleeding from my nose and my stomach ached, pressure increased and cramps in the lower abdomen began. I understand that my condition is very harmful for the baby, but I can not calm myself.
It has been going on for over a year now. I already have an inadequate reaction to his phone, I constantly think that she is ringing, and I am gradually losing my mind.
He says he doesn’t need herthat a long time ago it's over. Then the question is, why does he TAKE the phone to her? if he didn’t want, he wouldn’t answer her.
On the quiet, I checked his phone - there are incoming calls from her, which means they communicate behind my back, I don’t understand him — he lies to me ????????
For example, I put unnecessary people on the black list. Why can't he do this? she is constantly there ... She is like a third person in our family. I can’t do anything, he’s not talking to me, but only over the threshold and communicate.
Once he signed her male name , I saw and asked why? He said not to upset me.
How can I overcome this problem? Should I go to the registry office knowing that she is and will not go anywhere? I tried to talk to her like a woman, I did not scream or insult her, but besides x ... ev I heard nothing. Alexey, HELP AN ADVICE, WHAT DO I DO?
So, I will try to give advice to the girl in this situation and answer her question " If the guy is talking with ex girlfriendhow to be?»
And the situation here is the following, man - a full ragwho can not make a single decision without women's help.
In the end he cannot refuse her ex, and at the same time cannot go to her! He has to listen to the negative on both sides and wait for everything to resolve itself, but this is complete nonsense!
In fact, the girls expect from him that he will finally make a choice, but he physically cannot do this, since raised by stupid parents, where, most likely, the main mother was in the family!
And they taught him the following things:
You must obey the woman, bend under her and fulfill her every whim, and God forbid, you offend the girl with something, then you will not be forgiven, and you will not be a man!
So back to the question “If a guy is talking with an ex-girlfriend?”
As a result, in adulthood, from such a man a rag is obtained, on which you can wipe your legs, and the girls who are next to him constantly suffer and suffer because of him!
Such a man cannot protect his girlfriend, since he can’t harm his ex-girlfriend (maternal education affects).
To do a real man in this situation?
A real man would meet with an ex-girlfriend and explained to her who is in charge, and would say goodbye to her forever!
And if the ex-girlfriend tried to insult his future wife, he would also hung lyuley goodso that she understands what's what!
As a result of it future wife would be happy and would not endanger her child!
So what needs to be done in this situation?
Actually her boyfriend revealed his true face and showed who he is in fact, but in reality he is a mattress that cannot do anything!
My question is, can this guy make a girl happy if he even makes a goof at the wedding?
Of course she won’t be able to, and marrying him is utter nonsense!
Of course, there is one possibility, but for this you just need let it go on timeso that he understands himself and still makes a decision.
And there may be 2 options:
1. He will return to his inadequate ex-girlfriend, but this girl will gulp for a while, but then find a worthy man
2. He will send the ex girl away, and marry this girl (but I don’t really believe in this option, since a wimp is weak in Africa too and he won’t change so quickly)
Conclusion: If a girl does not understand men, constantly underestimates herself, does not develop the necessary feminine qualities, then she will always choose a mattress for herself, with which she will torment herself and the child!
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Dinara Tairova 11/03/2014 1034
Creating a family, everyone brings his past to it. Today you can learn about the “former” husband by looking at his page on social networks. What should I do if I noticed an ex-partner in his “friends”?
Some women arrange jealousy scenes or interrogations “with prejudice,” while others silently accumulate resentment. In any case, the virtual life of a man casts doubt on the relationship with a real companion.
Why are we talking with ex?
When getting married, many women willingly “appropriate” their husband, forgetting that any man who even has a marriage has the right to personal space.
This is especially true for those for whom the need for freedom and independence is one of the main. It is important for them to be a man in the eyes of not only his wife, but also other women. This ensures communication with the "ex" through the Internet.
If a man “collects” them on social networks, this may indicate that he is not confident in himself, because flirting and online friendship help to increase self-esteem and feel more meaningful. However, whatever the friendship between a man and a woman is, it always contains a hint of something more, even if only for one.
Virtual communication is no exception. For a woman, the fact that the “former” recorded her as “friends” may mean the hope of a resumption of relations.
As for the man, this most often indicates that he could not draw the line between the past and the present. Perhaps it is difficult for him to say no to the former, or perhaps thanks to online communication with her, he receives something important that he is currently deprived of marriage.
How to react to the virtual communication of the husband with the former?
Much depends on how exactly you learned about it. It’s one thing if the husband himself spoke about his girlfriends, and it’s quite another when you “wool” the Internet and mobile phone looking for evidence. This immediately demonstrates your relationship with your spouse.
In order not to break firewood, first of all, calmly analyze the situation. Do you feel confident next to your husband, does he give you enough warmth and love?
Often, jealousy scenes (and this is the most suitable occasion for them) "reveal" the long-accumulated tension in the pair. Perhaps your family is going through difficult times now.
The stronger your suspicions, the more you are not confident in yourself as a woman. The husband’s virtual girlfriends are just one of the signals about the problem. Arranging a jealousy scene for her husband and demanding “remove everyone from friends” is the easiest way. Will it only keep intimacy between you?
Most likely, the spouse, on the contrary, will move away, trying to protect his territory, and even more often will disappear in virtual world. The only way out is to answer honestly to myself the questions: how much do you trust your spouse? Do you feel that you are winning as a woman compared to his "former"?
The stronger you feel threatened by virtual rivals, the less confident you are in your bond with your husband. Before looking for new evidence of his infidelity, try to figure out what happened between you two.
Meanwhile, the discovery of "former" in the life of your husband can not only destroy your relationship with him, but also contribute to their development. If it is important for you to keep your family, first of all, learn to appreciate everything that was and is between you, which makes your couple unique and lasting, protects love and devotion to each other.
Constantly doubting your spouse, you will not achieve a positive result. Of course, it is difficult to stop controlling it and start unconditionally trusting, but as you know, the more jealous you are, the more this indicates that there is no trust and sincerity between you.
After all, he may have also loved before, but made a mistake and could not save his feeling. And now he is here with you, he is your husband. It's his choice.
Appreciate the present, instead of plunging into the virtual past, take care of the warmth of your love, and then it will become a guard against unpleasant intrusions into your family of "third superfluous".
Often, not only a woman cannot part with the past. Although the guys are considered less emotional than the young ladies, they are unique among them, able to maintain relations with almost all their partners for a very long time. Yesterday he “walked” Katya with her baby (from another, naturally), last week set up Inna a laptop, and in October Tatyana came from Italy to see her parents. Who, if not Sasha, will meet her and help carry heavy bags? Such a situation at first surprises, and then annoys and annoys, because in addition to natural suspicions and doubts about the feelings of a loved one, another thought creeps in. “At what stage will I just become a friend for him? And is this person capable of any long-term relationship in general? ”
What if your man communicates with the former? What to do if there are several "ex" at once? Now let's try to figure it out!
Why is he talking to her?
What is it - a hypertrophied sense of responsibility or not extinct feelings? Paradoxically, the more a young lady takes care of her beloved, the lower the level of danger. But if you hear from him something like “You can’t imagine how vulnerable Olga is! If I tell her that I can’t help with the delivery of the cabinet, she will get to the hospital with a nervous breakdown, ”there is reason to beware. Especially if Olechka is sufficiently wealthy to pay for the services of a loader.
What should I do?
Even if you are annoyed to the core, try to hide it. The love of a gentleman in another is usually felt quite quickly, and it hardly makes sense to fight for such a man. Although you can try to show wisdom, - keep up conversations about the beloved's former passion with him, do not prohibit providing assistance, but in between insert something like “Wow, and how can it make you carry such heavy things!” But her current boyfriend does not even think of helping her, ”she does not understand. standing menpoor thing. By the way, maybe we should offer her our cabinet from the headset, well, the one that remained after a change of scenery? ”
If a man communicates with his ex-lawful wife, and at the same time with own child? Caution! According to statistics, 80% of “former” become “current” again, especially if there are children left in that family. Only patience, diplomacy and tact will help you keep your loved one with you.
If he communicates with several women
Bring the situation to the point of absurdity! Do not refuse with an indignant look from the night gatherings with the "Italian" Tatyana - you need to know the "enemy" in person. Passing with a sweet past a children's store, go for a soft elephant for Katya’s baby - at the same time you’ll hint that you wouldn’t mind making one yourself. In parallel, it will be possible to study potential rivals and find out in more detail what attracts your sweetheart in these women. To do this is simple: for sure your man will seek to introduce you. This type of polygamy (don’t worry, he doesn’t sleep with them ... most likely) involves the creation of an extensive network of relations - he flaunts the number of ladies who still communicate with him and are always happy to see him, he likes to feel necessary and in demand.
What you need to know in such situations
1. It’s not a fact that such a mega-demanding person doesn’t want to dilute boring life with new acquaintances - look at him if possible social networks and watch out for a sweet one on dating sites. Yes, spying is bad, yes, you need to trust. You trust, but it’s just as important to think about yourself: a male polygamist of this kind is even more dangerous than an open womanizer. He doesn’t seem to be cheating, but he doesn’t talk about creating a family. How many years are you willing to spend on waiting? And isn’t this his hypertrophied sense of responsibility towards strangers to him avoiding true responsibility, in the end for you, your relationship, your own parents ?;
2. If your beloved’s one is only one, it would be nice to find out what kind of feelings he has for her - secure yourself in advance so as not to be a temporary alternate aerodrome. It is worthwhile to establish relations with the dear friends and his relatives, if so far you have not done so. He does not want to introduce you to them? If you have been dating for more than six months, but still only heard about the former, there is reason to think: does he need you at all? And he to you?
3. Try to establish the personal life of a potential rival. At the same time, run test number 2, looking at the reaction of your man. Is he jealous? Or is he even glad that now your pretty colleague at work will configure Inne's laptop? Connect him to the worries of the unsettled young lady. It is unlikely that any of his friends will flatter her - after all, they don’t perceive the "former", it’s unpleasant for them to think that someone else knows how she ... well, you understand. However, suddenly, surrounded by a loved one, has someone appeared since then?
4. Sometimes a man communicates with the former in connection with common interests. Together they went to the mountains, for example, and you prefer beaches and the sea to mountaineering. Just in case, try to take part in his hobbies at least a couple of times. After all, you might like it, and a hobby is a terrible force in the struggle for His attention.
And remember the main thing: it’s not so scary if you see that your man is talking with his ex. Much worse if you have no idea about it!
Why is your partner still talking with an ex-girlfriend? Photo: Lori.ru.
If a loved one corresponds with the former ...
Why is he still talking with the girl with whom he broke up? Why does he keep their joint photos without trying to delete them, is friends with her and even helps solve problems?
Or one fine evening an SMS comes from her. You, having accidentally noticed the name of the sender, ask: “Who is this?” And he throws: “Yes, nothing important.”
All the horror and indignation that so far your partner has not forgotten your past love, fall upon you. Millions of thoughts rush through the head: “He still loves her,” “She wants to get him back,” “And then here I am?”, “Why didn’t he tell me that they still communicate?” ...
And such situations are not uncommon.
Let's try to figure out how it turns out that, in addition to real partners, their former passions are involved in the relationship. I will give some examples from practice. A man came to the consultation who had been married for some time and raised children. But in crisis moments in a relationship with his wife, he fell into melancholy memories of his long-standing former love. He even maintained a weak connection with her, congratulated her on holidays, and tracked her page on social networks. He did not cheat on his wife and did not even try to restore the past. As a result of work in psychological group he was able to realize that he was simply hiding from a real deepening in relations with his wife. Depth, intimacy and intimacy frightened him. He really worried that his wife might be too close to him, to see his vulnerable sides. Therefore, he preferred to escape into romantic memories of the past. The final point in this story was the fact that he went to his hometown, where he and his ex were from. There they met and talked about why their relationship did not work out, how they both live now and what their life tasks are. Then this man told in the group: “It is difficult to find a person more distant for me in the world than my ex! We are so different peoplethat today we couldn’t live a day together! I returned from my city with great relief from having put an end to it. I no longer need to live the illusions of lost happiness. ” After that, the man really matured began to communicate with his wife: he became more frank and accessible, spoke openly with her about everything that worries them. This incredibly brought the couple together and insulated their relationship. The result of all this was the birth of another child.
Another participant found that her partner is talking too closely with her ex-girlfriend, is friends with her, and goes to visit. Jealousy and indignation of our participant knew no bounds. Eventually best option for herself, she chose to part with her lover. In less than a week, her ex-boyfriend and his former passion began to live together. Subsequently, our participant said that she suspected that her partner was using her like anesthesia to survive a break. That the relationship with him was somehow strained, artificial, without special feelings on both sides. For our participant, it was a lesson that you should not seek non-free partners.
Another case occurred with a woman at a fairly respectable age. She was married, raised a daughter. Her short marriage can be called unhappy: ex-husband drank and beat her. After the birth of the baby, they divorced. Participating in groups, surrounded by people supporting her, she admitted that she had never really loved her husband. And that she was truly attached to her college friend. The education of "good, right girl"Played a cruel joke. She kept the memory of her lover for many years, raising her daughter alone, afraid to turn to him again. The fear of rejection was so strong that she, even left alone after a divorce, did not dare to do this until her daughter grew up and moved away from her. Loneliness and the idea that there is nothing more to lose, prompted our participant to find her lover, who had divorced himself and lived alone many years ago. It turned out that their feelings for each other remained. And even if they are no longer 20 years old, they began to communicate and draw together again, trying to make up for 35 years of separation.
If to summarize all these cases, then the main idea such: “unfinished" relations are like an iron forgotten at home, not turned off from the outlet. They attract attention and energy, throw us into the past. We speak to our former wordswho had to be said once, we justify ourselves or ask for a belated forgiveness. However, there is nothing more real for us than an unfinished relationship. By ourselves, we all know this. But when we see that our partner has not completed the relationship, but is already trying to build them with us, then this is a delicate moment. You cannot interrupt this contact for him: neither blackmail, nor tantrums, nor sex from morning to evening, nor intrigue will save you from the fact that your partner is not yet free.
Ending a relationship is a special process that requires time and accommodation for all feelings related to breaking up: resentment, sadness, anger, unspent love and tenderness, guilt and devastation. Hurry up or skip it is absolutely impossible. It is only possible to support a person who is experiencing his loss. The psyche does not know how to exclude experiences. She knows how to suppress, freeze or force them out. But all this for the time being. Moreover, repressed feelings, as a rule, entail the whole emotional world. Therefore, people seem empty, superficial, selfish, incapable of love and sympathy. And there is no better cure for past lovethan to survive all that is accumulated, and let go of the past.
Thus, the choice is yours. Or admit that the person next to you is not completely free for you, that he needs support and participation. Or frankly admit that this option does not suit you, and leave.
In any case, there is no “magic pill” or a universal way to solve such a problem. For some, the presence of the “former” is an escape in illusion, for someone it is an unfinished love that no one is going to complete at all. For someone, this is just a way to look beautiful: to support their ex-lover after a difficult break. And for someone, this is a way to cope with the guilt of parting.
The main thing is to clarify for yourself a situation that is often not worth it to create a drama from it.
Maria Dyachkova (Zemskova), psychologist, family therapist and trainer of personal growth trainings
Is there a friendship between a man and a woman? If the first question can still be answered in the affirmative, then what can I say if earlier they were connected by love relationships? ..
The stellar experience suggests that such stories are not uncommon. Especially if former lovers are united by common children. Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, despite the divorce, maintain a very warm relationship. Even when the actress married Ashton Kutcher, the ex-husband was always a welcome guest in their house. And when this marriage of the star broke up, Bruce was almost the first to rush to console Demi!
By the way, the actress managed to save good relationship and with Kutcher who left her. Moore even offered Ashton and Mila Kunis their help as a nanny for their little daughter so that parents could rest a bit.
Similar examples of friendship between the former are demonstrated by Russian celebrities. So, 9 year old civil marriage Vladimir Presnyakov and Christina Orbakaite broke up when their son Nikita was five years old. But they did not stop communicating. Former lovers not only often go on tour together, but also invite each other to family holidays.
Nevertheless, it is difficult for women to come to terms with the fact that their lovers communicate with their past passions. What if your man is dating an ex? Is it worth the alarm? When to start worrying? This is described by an expert site, a well-known family psychologist, candidate of sociological sciences.
Photo: PersonaStars.com
Photo: Splash News / All Over Press
Family bookkeeping
“For a woman, the relationship of her beloved with her ex is always a big trauma. How to figure out why he communicates with her?
It's one thing if this is an ex-girlfriend. And if ex-wife? This is a completely different situation. If the conversation is about relationships without continuation and mutual obligations, that is, without children, then certainty and clarity can be achieved in everything. But if the former is not just a friend from the past, but an ex-wife with whom other children connect him to everything else, then there is no getting around this.
You can, of course, make a scandal from each of his campaigns “there” ... But here it is more important to understand yourself, your feelings, motives, fears. After all, you chose this man, knowing that he has a child.
For a woman, the relationship of her beloved with her ex is always a big trauma. How to figure out why he communicates with her? Photo: Shutterstock.com
Sometimes, in order to reduce their anxiety, women try to protect a man from contact with children at all costs, and often this barrier becomes insurmountable, like the Chinese wall. Standing between a man and his children, we take on a very big responsibility. We interrupt the continuity of generations, and everything is taken into account in the family system!
There is such a thing as “family accounting”. If we wish happiness to our children, it is important to consider the interests of the older children of a man from another woman. This is the key to the health and well-being of your own children. "
