What to do the guy did not quit. What if you are abandoned? Why do men go
All clear. The only, beloved left, and left, it seems, forever. Tears themselves flow from the eyes, you can not sleep, you do not want to eat, you do not want to live. The most important question that you throw into the empty space: how to live on?
First, try to understand that parting with loved ones always happens in two stages, one of which is physical, and the second is emotional. The first is the stage of immediate rupture of the relationship, the second is the long period that you need to live, gradually reconciling with the idea that until it no longer bothers you, you will never be together.
In order for the “healing” process to become less tragic and painful, psychologists advise you to adhere to the following recommendations:
1. If you are unable to work or study normally, stop eating, sleep, you should contact a specialist. Articles similar to this one may take your attention for a couple of minutes, but then you will again be alone with your thoughts, and you need urgent help.
2. Try to be constantly among people: parties, cinema, theaters, meetings with friends, sports activities. Even if you don’t want it at all, take it as a bitter potion during a flu epidemic. In one of the religions there are clear rules of behavior in this case: for 7 days you gain strength among people, and only then you start fighting with your problem.
3. Allow yourself to complain, cry, blame the one who left you, speak this problem as many times as you need. Disassemble your own addiction by bone: for what reason did it arise, how did it develop, what did it eat? Remember how your relationship with other people developed - not in the exact same way? Perhaps you are addicted to the drug “two in one”, which can create a strong and seductive irritation - pain and love at the same time?
4. Try to match your biological age. One has to stop being a child: helpless, dependent, passive and take responsibility for one’s own life. Build your life yourself, take care of emotional health, it is still useful to you. Do not allow others to impose their own "rules of the game."
5. Conduct conversations with an experienced, wise and benevolent person. It does not have to be a psychologist (although, of course, better). Such a person can be a mother, sister, best friend. They will help you look at the situation from the outside and not do something silly.
Now about what to do is strictly prohibited:
1. Finish first the previous relationship, even in the shower. It is ugly to use an innocent person as a "plaster" for your mental ills. Surely, after a while he will understand his own purpose, and the subsequent development of the novel will become completely unpredictable. Moreover, in case he leaves you too, the price for this short consolation may become excessively large.
2. Do not immediately change the usual living conditions, do not leave far and for a long time: let's say in a long-term foreign mission or a new place of residence. The lack of “close friends” and almost inevitable nostalgia will further aggravate the already severe emotional state.
3. Do not rush blindly into short-lived, casual communication. They will not cure you, but will only lead to further disappointments and delaying emotional loneliness. Every time after such a connection, you will return to the starting point, instead of “recover” and go on.
4. Do not tear your frustration on children. When the parent is in the role of "abandoned", the child is quite worried about it. A kind of childish egoism can lead to the fact that the child is acutely experiencing a lack of love on the part of the parent. Do not seek their consolation, discuss your problems with adults - spare the fragile childish psyche.
On the other hand, often children help to quickly return to normal life and again feel the beauty of the world.
You did not suspect anything, and suddenly the world turned upside down. Or, on the contrary, a sad outcome was long overdue, but the pain from the blow did not become weaker. All love is over. Crushed by the short phrase: “I'm leaving,” you are in the twilight zone. It was your share of frustration, humiliation, despair, self-hatred and others. As well as tears in the pillow, screams in the void, insomnia, a heap of wrappers from the eaten chocolate, or a complete loss of appetite for a few weeks. In French, this hell is beautifully called chagrin d’amour - “woe of love.” The intensity and complexity of this suffering allowed the sexologist and family psychotherapist Frederica Edon (Frédérique Hedon) to publish a book entirely devoted to the method of healing heart wounds. In it, she dissects a not fatal, but extremely painful illness of the soul, and offers the most inconsolable victims of hers straws to be grabbed to quickly get to their feet. “No parting is like another,” she explains. - The reaction to pain depends on the inner strength of each, on the friendly and family environment, the losses that were in the past. But in each case, you have to go the whole way to get back to yourself. ” In this transitional state, as during quarantine, you can and should even afford what you did not allow before.
Do not rush time
The flow of life is rushing forward and rushing forward fast. All and sundry are advised: "Forget it as soon as possible and look for another option." But the gap is not so easy to digest. You have just lost the one in whom your ideals, dreams and plans were concentrated. With him, you lived in the present and painted your future together. And suddenly it was this man who decided that he was not enough for you to be happy. As a result of the gap, this entire fragile structure collapses with a bang. It is not surprising that there is not a trace left of the former emotional balance. It is almost impossible to transfer this. Especially those who saw themselves as the most charming and attractive only in the mirror of relations with their man. Nevertheless, you have to believe in yourself and love yourself, even in the absence of a strong male shoulder. This transition will take more than one day or even more than one month, but the benefits of it will remain forever.
Do not hold back tears
When a disaster occurs in life, it is absolutely natural to feel devastated. And do not hide it. Do not push away the waves of pain, despair and depression that are overwhelming you. “Without them, psychological restoration work is impossible,” says Frederica Edon. At first, the blow can be so strong that people feel completely out of balance, as if paralyzed. Or, on the contrary, from the last forces forbid oneself to surrender in order to preserve dignity, not to lose face in front of colleagues, not to disturb children. But in this case, the grief remains chained inside and the wound tightening is suspended, postponed indefinitely, if not impossible. “Not crying, not admitting that you feel bad, means blocking the body’s natural response to stress,” notes Frédéric Edon. “The restoration of our“ I, ”which must become completely independent and turn into the future, depends on how much we know how to use the valve of emotions in order to release internal tension.”
How to survive parting with a man, because it is always painful and offensive. Here he was, walked around the apartment, ate, slept, annoyed, and suddenly he was gone. Everything, emptiness. And the worst thing is that emptiness is not only in the house, it is everywhere. Everything loses its meaning and colors. Life becomes gray, joyless unnecessary.
But maybe not everything is so tragic? Let's try to make out the problem.
Read in this article:
What is being abandoned
For a woman it is a great job to be loved and married. Responsibilities for the spouse, and for the children, and then the grandchildren, fall on her shoulders. However, much depends on the man too. How family relationships are built, or rather, the skeleton of family traditions, events will continue to develop.
Why did the man leave? Possible reasons
There are many reasons why husbands leave. They are different. And instead of howling and tearing your hair, you need to sit down and analyze your relationship. Do not blame yourself, do not engage in flagellation, but understand where and when relationships began to break down.
- You are clearly elevated above him, put your superiority. And that, of course, is stupid. A wise woman will not infringe upon the intellect of a man. In a married couple you need to give him the right of leadership. Even if you are much smarter and more erudite, in any case, do not beg his abilities in the eyes of children, relatives and friends. Many couples collapsed because of this. So what? He left, and after a while he walked on the other, and she looked up at him with the gaze of a faithful and devoted little dog.
- If you infringe upon male vanity with constant demonstration of your abilities with or without reason, this is a sure step towards separation. Your zaturkanny man, in the end, freed from the yoke and go to where he will be not only comfortable, but calm. Run away to the one that knows for sure that you can keep a man with the help of elementary respect for him. Remember: a man is a head, and we are his neck .... This is how you live.
- You allowed yourself to throw out your negative emotions to your husband or friend. Public insults can be sustained, but not for long. Relationships need to find out only at home and not to wash dirty linen in public. Then you will not have to think about the question of how to survive parting with a man.
- Do not think that your partner has a dimensionless wallet. Maybe you have gone too far somewhere and made him understand that you need his money more than he does. No wonder many men in conversations complain with a sigh that all women need only their cash.
- You can cry and girlfriends. A man, having his own problems, will cease to perceive the constant nagging of his woman and will become a relationship. Maybe just enjoy his company and communication.
- About treason and can not speak. Not every man will be able to forgive this act. But, if the case is single and you are sure that this will not happen again, apologize, try to make contact. It will not remain, then you are also not empty-handed, you will have valuable experience.
Text: Tina Hakki
Sometimes we desperately cling to what we want to believe, turning a blind eye to the truth. No, he cannot leave, he will not leave, nothing is over. And then it turns out that what else can and will go, and all is over. And from his, male point of view, it's over for a long time.
You are sure that you will never be able to walk again without flinching along the streets where people roamed together. And you know that you will never trust men for anything. Somewhere in the depths of the soul (very deeply) the thought that this happened because you are not worthy can nestle. It is difficult to survive a similar situation and get out of the crisis with minimal losses, but still it is possible.
Want to mourn? Mourn!
Allow yourself to grieve
Who said that it is embarrassing and ugly to grieve because of what happened? Let others adhere to such a policy, and let yourself indulge in despondency, cry enough, beat a pillow or a punching bag, drink a glass of fine wine or gulp down a glass of vodka, and tell about what happened to everyone who encountered this difficult period in your life’s journey and accidentally asked the innocent like question "How are you?".
Think about how much you were together - if you can, count the exact number of days, then put the days into hours, and then find 10% of that time. If you are able to do these simple mathematical operations “in the mind” - very well, distract yourself at least for a while. This is the time you can afford to remember him every five minutes, sob, review the photos in which you are together, put your nose in his shirts left in the closet, and carefully go through the gifts.
The same rule also applies to alcohol. As practice shows, if you feel bad and you drink, then after a while you will inevitably become worse. Think whether you want to achieve just such an effect?
Find a place to talk.
If you want to lose all your friends and girlfriends, be sure to tell them a story about how he turned out to be a bad person for the third, fifth or tenth time. It is better to start a thread on the forum, there will definitely find people who can support you, and to write about your problem means to take the first step towards its solution.
To alert relatives and friends, select the neutral wording “We broke up,” or “We are no longer together,” without specifying who initiated the break. In the end, maybe he decided to leave because you wanted to? Do not emphasize once again who among you is a victim.
Avoid details
In addition, do not share with the surrounding intimate details and nuances of your quarrels and relationships, even if they are eager for details. Any word spoken in the heat can be used not only against him, but also against you.
For especially "sympathizers" prepare a phrase with which you will answer the eternal "Oh, poor thing." Choose something from the classics: “This is another question, which of the two of us should be pitiful,” “It is not known who was lucky,” “Finally I am open to the future,” or compose my own version.
Get your own ritual
Consider thinking about parting with the past. The basic rule - you are free to do what you want. Make a plan of action and do not step back. In the evening, write down what you did, what emotions you experienced. Decide for yourself, for example, that you are ready to shed tears exclusively dressed in new polka dot pajamas, and no other will suit you. So what, that in search of pajamas will have to go around all the shops in the city center - it's not scary.
Maybe for sadness and sadness you need to get cambric handkerchiefs, on each of which you should embroider your own monogram with a satin stitch. Do not deny yourself anything! Buy batiste and embroider. Only an agreement - you will cry later, after the work is completed.
Find a city plan (Internet versions will work too) and create routes that you used to travel together. Try to create an alternative version of moving from point A to point B so that the routes never intersect. And then walk through them.
We decided that the boxes with his things should be carefully packed and signed "My ex is an idiot"? Feel free to sign in calligraphic handwriting.
If you are an owl, then assign a ritual of cleansing the apartment from his things on the early morning to be properly angry and sleepy.
If you are a lark, then transfer the time of the procedure for the night, for the same purposes. Then look at yourself in the mirror: poorly combed hair, an old robe, eyes swollen from tears and a red nose - this is it, the last gift from a former lover, and tell yourself that such gifts are no longer needed.
See what happened as an invaluable personal experience.
The times when education was free have sunk into oblivion. You may come in handy famous Spanish proverb "Take what you want, but pay for it in full." Consider that you have just invested your feelings and feelings in the bank where your personal life experience accumulates. Now you know that not all men are equally useful. But this is no reason not to let them get too close.
Look for positive points
Even if at first glance it seems that everything is so bad that it can’t be worse, force yourself to find at least one plus in the fact that he left. At least, now you can afford your beloved everything that was previously lacking in strength, time and money. “I want to drink tea with halvah, I want it with sugar” - now your motto. You can go on a diet and not be tempted by delicious, bought "for him", learn, finally, Chinese, go to the dance, get a second higher education, make an obscene ditty, or get rights.
During this period, do not make hasty decisions in which the words “always” and “never” will sound. Other men are not at all responsible for the behavior of your ex, so you should not put negative emotions on them. After completing the whole plan, tell yourself “It's time!” And return to normal life, in which there is a place for smiles and flirting. You do not want the former, like the shadow of Hamlet's father, to darken your future? In the end, it belongs only to you, and only you are free to dispose of them - at your discretion.
