How to understand that love has gone to her husband. Why was love
Great french writer Jean Baptiste Moliere asserted: "Who has not known love - he did not live." And this has its share of truth. Love inspires us and inspires incredible actions. She makes us every morning enjoy life, dream, make plans for the future and feel happy.
Love comes unexpectedly and as if covers us with a head. Beloved person seems to us the best, with him we want to be always there and never part. We are ready to live with him all our lives and as they say: "be together in joy and in grief." But after a few years of marriage living together It starts not to make many people, all sorts of thoughts like: “I don't love him anymore” or “He never loved me” start to get into their heads. But before the wedding, no one can even imagine what will happen to him. It is good to be in love with lovers, they understand without words that they are loved and loved.
Love and marriage. Can they exist together or more precisely how long can you keep in a marriage? Are those who claim that marriage is a grave for love? Of course not. Before you make such hasty conclusions, imagine your life in solitude when your husband is not with you, for example, he went on a business trip for a long time or simply disappeared for a while from your life. In separation with my husband, we behave quite differently: we do not find a place for ourselves, we clean, we wash, we go to visit and we put things in order at home. In fact, we just want to kill time to speed up the meeting time. The fact that you now do not experience the same strong feelings as before, when you just met and did not live together - this is a natural phenomenon. But this does not mean that you no longer love your husband, or that he has fallen out of love with you. Of course, love is alive! Just your feelings now moved to a new, more mature level. AT family life it is very important to be able to preserve these feelings without giving love a chance to die.
Love can't live by itself, it requires constant care. If you began to doubt your love or his love, first ask yourself the question: “Are you ready to part with your husband forever?”. Probably, many people will answer this question "no", each has its own reason for this. Someone cannot solve financial problems on his own, someone because of a habit, and someone because of the impossibility to deprive a father of children. In any case, the answer "no" is a confirmation that your love is still alive and your husband is of great importance in your life.
How much would you not quarreled, did not make scandals and did not threaten each other with divorce, loving hearts will always reach out to each other. If you still need the protection of her husband, it means that he is still not indifferent to you. It is impossible to stop loving a person just because many of his character traits and behavior you no longer like. Another thing, if you are ready to part with her husband, who beats you, cheats or loafs. Then your doubts are completely justified. It is foolish to wait for love from a person who humiliates you and does not put anything.
Everything the signs the fact that there is no love between the spouses is clear and visible to all who communicate with them. But often the spouses themselves do not see it or try to pretend that everything is in order. But if everything is already over and love has died, then this can not be hidden. Remember how it was before: he shared with you the last chocolate bar and gave you gifts, not sparing money. And now he has suddenly become greedy and has begun to take care of himself exclusively, he is not worried about your problems, does not care about your life, and he has ceased to give you presents. Clearly manifested selfishness and indifference to you - this is a sign that he no longer loves you.
Lack of attention, gifts, interest in you say that the fire of love in his heart has gone out and the return of the former ones is no longer to be expected. If, on the contrary, you yourself do something for your husband in your work, you are indifferent to his ups and downs, you are not interested in knowing how he lived today, and you do not miss at all when he leaves for a long time on a business trip, you yourself do not like him. As a rule, love in marriage is held by those who have never been sincere and, creating a family, pursued only some of their mercantile goals. It is a pity that in this case those who truly loved and tried to always remain in love as a person suffer.
There is aphorism: "To love is to be one soul!". After marriage, the two halves become one or one flesh. No wonder the ancient Greek philosophers believed that if a person is ready to give his life for his beloved, then his love is real. If you still doubt your love, imagine a situation where your spouse needs your help and in order to save him you need to sell all the property.
If you are ready breake down for the sake of his salvation to everyone that you have, it means that your husband can only be envied. He found the woman who truly loves him. The peak of love is the desire to die on the same day as your loved one. Like the swans, she dies first, then he follows her. Sometimes it happens, some people cannot even imagine their life without a loved one, and the loss of a spouse becomes an irreparable disaster for them, from which only death can save them.
You love a person and you think that you are just made for each other. One day, you catch yourself thinking that love has passed. At first, you drive away thoughts convincing yourself of the opposite, trying to reproduce in memory only the happy moments spent together. But this sometimes does not help. How to understand that love has passed?
How life kills love
In youth, relationships evolved from, which subsequently grew into love, then into and as well-wishers prophesied into a happy family life.
Myths about how life spoils romantic relationships did not give in to conscious perception. But everything changed from the moment when the child appeared in the family. The burden of care and responsibility for the beloved woman and child falls on the shoulders. You understand what you have to create best conditions for your family.
Trying to work like a damn, without weekends and holidays, in return you only get discontent. At first it was a dispute, then, for the reason that you do not devote enough time to your family. Explanations and persuasions did not help. Relationships on the passage of time became even worse.
Turning to the advice of his beloved woman, you hear the answer: - "then we talk," "I have no time" or "we will discuss later."
After hard working days, you want warmth, not quarrels and questions, you catch yourself thinking that this is just a difficult period, soon everything will change and become like before.
But the situations repeated all the time, we stopped speaking each other words of love, spending time together and just falling asleep under one blanket.
On one of these days do you understand that love has passedbut responsibility and habit remained. The result is a question: what to do? To leave the family to yourself or continue to live as before?
Trying to cling to at least some straw in order to dissuade yourself, but you understand that this is a fact. You look at a woman you once loved with completely different eyes..
Treason
Not always the fact is the end of a relationship, but feelings cool down. Even in cases where remorse occurs, love passes.
When everything suits you in personal relationships, there is no need to change, but if something is missing, then a replacement can be found on the side.
Initially, you try to evaluate yourself from the outside and understand what is wrong. Why did they change you? You look at a partner who assures that everything happened by chance and you don’t feel anything more for this person.
With physical betrayal, not only love passes, but also a feeling of distrust, and sometimes disgust. A woman who has betrayed at least once is not in the future.
Parting, of course, is one of the most painful moments in the lives of both partners. Here the principle: - "It is better to be alone than with anyone," fits perfectly. Here are articles on treason on my blog:
How is love due to jealousy
It can be safely called a disease, as sometimes it provokes acts that are not amenable to comprehension. A surge of emotion gives rise to suspicion, when it seems that the woman he loves is interested in someone.
13But IPsychological advice: What if love is gone?
Of course, one cannot wake up one morning and suddenly realize - I no longer love a man whom for many years I considered the closest and dearest.
This awareness is ripening for quite a long time, it appears on the basis of numerous conflicts, problems, unspoken resentment and, as a result, baffles: what to do next?
Leave or by all means try to reanimate fading relationships? Psychologists advise not to chop off the shoulder and, making a decision, focus primarily on your own feelings.
From the outside it may seem that a woman who realized that she no longer loves her man and should not worry: she said "goodbye" - and move on. In fact, everything is not easy at all. The first feeling that comes to us is fear.
We are afraid to be alone, afraid to hurt, afraid of change. But at the same time, we passionately desire to be happy, and in self-violence — that is, in life with an unloved person — happiness is hard to find. It is then that the moment comes when, finally, it is necessary to place the punctuation marks in the fateful sentence “leave cannot be left”.
How to make a decision?
If you find yourself in such a difficult situation, listen to yourself and your own feelings, while rejecting the factors that immediately come to mind: the total apartment, children, financial situation. At the same time, it is necessary to figure out whether “love has passed, dried up tomatoes” or feelings exist, but they are mired under a huge pile of problems and unspoken insults.
Understand better, of course, together. That is why psychologists advise to speak frankly with a partner and understand what your union is waiting for in the future. Perhaps spiritual talk instills hope in you that you can still be saved. In the end, no one person can stop loving another one overnight and irrevocably. And most couples, contrary to their opinion, are very far from the point of no return.
Why not stay
Of course, if love has passed because the husband offends you in every way, then you should not think about it - it is unlikely that something worthwhile will come out of this relationship. However, there are times when feelings cool down without a specific reason, and then it becomes quite difficult to make a decision about leaving.
There are a number of factors that should not keep you close to an unloved person.
1. Children. Psychologists are sure that this is only an excuse. Women hide behind children, justifying their dependence on a partner, and do not think that children can be happy only in happy families, and not in those where parents only play in love.
2. Shared housing, finance. Again, this is nothing more than dependence on a partner and a relationship. In the event of a breakdown, the housing and financial situations will even out over time, so acknowledge: you are not afraid of losing wealth, you are afraid of losing someone you don’t even like.
3. Sense of duty. It's about codependency. Socially dependent people are absorbed in the idea of saving their neighbor (“he cannot do without me, he will disappear”). They are sure that they should take care of others, sacrifice themselves, while ignoring their own needs. Unfortunately, in such a relationship of love and speech can not be, and children can not grow up psychologically healthy people.
4. Fear of loneliness. Most women, answering the question why they do not leave the unloved man, say: “I am afraid to be alone”. However, the fear of loneliness should not become the only reason for the preservation of exhausted relations, since a union built on the desire of one partner literally “merge” with another (and sometimes it doesn’t matter which one) that is doomed to failure.
How to return love
If you do not want to ruin the relationship and you are ready to revive the lost feeling, we will give you a couple of ideas on how to do it.
1. Go to another level. What keeps people together for years? Common interests, values, aspirations. Can this be said about your couple? If not, try to understand and accept what is important to your partner. Feeling that you have something in common, you will become even closer.
2. Find something new. Experts believe that love is a sincere interest in another person and an unquenchable desire to study it, every day getting to know something new. Therefore, if your man has long been for you a read book, try to look at it with different eyes. Look at him as if you are another woman, and he is a wonderful stranger. You will be surprised, but even a small effort, coupled with the desire to see in the partner something new, can take the relationship to a new level.
Some women decide to keep relationships, not wanting to breathe. new life into faded feelings. They believe that enough habits, mutual respect and even pity. True, psychologists warn that such a relationship, unfortunately, can not be called healthy. Yes, such a relationship can be quite strong, because the partners, as a rule, live with the common hope that in the end everything will change by itself and they will become happy, but since this is impossible, the risk of disappointment is too great.
This question worries each of us. We are confused. Often couples ask this question when the first relationship, colored love and romance, go to a more relaxed. It seems to people that the relationship is developing poorly or spoiled; it seems that love has passed. We think that romantic love is love, and all other relationships are not love, but routine, boredom, newspapers at breakfast, a sofa and a TV ...
Today, I want to tell you that the transition from the stage of romantic love (which usually lasts the first six months) to another stage is a normal transformation of feelings. But this does not mean that at the new stage our feelings become less strong. Relationships simply have certain stages of development, their own rhythm. Romantic love is one of the stages in the development of relationships in a couple. This is an amazing and exciting time and it has its own goals and objectives. All attempts to delay this happy time lead to serious difficulties.
The stage of romantic love involves a complete emotional and physical fusion between partners. At this stage, people are more likely to find similarities among themselves, while the differences are practically ignored. We want to be always together, to hear each other, to see, to feel. And it is beautiful! At the stage of romantic love, the foundation of a future bond is laid, and emotional attachment between people is formed. As a result, we can already cope with the anxiety that appears at the beginning of a new relationship.
Gradually moving from the stage of romantic love to its completion, our feelings do not die, and the next stage begins. We begin to see the face of another person without romantic light. We are tired of playing, showing ourselves from the most wonderful aspects, being attentive only to the problems of our partner, caring. We are already accustomed to each other and we no longer need to win each other. We can become more and more ourselves, which is also a risk in relationships and is a test, both for us and for our partner, how much we are willing to endure ourselves and others already real.
There comes the first withdrawal, the return to yourself. Our needs and desires, our own goals and life tasks and hobbies come out on top. We need to look at each other with different eyes and see what we are without masks, what we are, when we begin to behave in the usual way, we enter a normal mode of life, when our expectations and fears rise to the surface of relationships. Many couples perceive this quite healthy crisis as the ruin of love: how could it be, everything was fine, and suddenly conflicts began?
In fact, in order to move forward to a happy relationship, at this stage it is necessary to say goodbye to the stage of romantic love, perhaps to mourn her and move on to other relationships. It will be a mature love relationship when already coming mutual responsibility Perhaps there the heat of feelings is slightly reduced, but they become deeper. Simply put, this is a completely different relationship.
Psychologist, family counselor Olga Krivova.
Love is the strongest feeling with innumerable shades. She is blamed if her heart is broken, she is hated when life collapses. It connects the fate and gives bright moments of happiness. But love has one big, fatal flaw: it leaves. A drop of old feelings flowed away in the relationship that had developed many years ago. The love fever among passionate couples instantly fades away. So why do romantics sing love as an eternal feeling? Why the theologians praised her, philosophers argued about it? She inspired writers, artists, musicians with her inconsistency, play of contrasts. Why is such a significant feeling so short-lived, and how to understand that love has passed? For clarity, we will separate the concepts.
About love and love
Love is an unstable, impermanent, violent feeling. It comes suddenly, hits the head with hop of the senses, intoxicates the mind. A fault human nature, hormones, pheromones. Reproduction is the basis of constancy. It supports the natural. At this point, even though the prince, though a beggar, is all one: a blurred consciousness will not understand who is so passionately drawn to his heart. Or maybe not a heart at all. Love happens as suddenly as it comes. A man sober, but only a love hangover has not been canceled. That is why it is so bad, because the former couples toil.
Love is a feeling steady, permanent, reasonable. They are immersed in it with full dedication and understanding. Loving people soberly look at their half, see, know the habits and inclinations, respect the freedom of a partner, care, survive. In a love union, addiction is not painful.
Love is a bright flash of fireworks, and love is a warm center of constancy.
Love has faded?
The feeling of love is accompanied by powerful experiences. How great to feel the elation, and how painful it is to fall into the harsh reality! Out of love is of two kinds.
Breaking
She is a frequent companion of young, inexperienced, falling in love for the first time. It is painful to watch the castles of a dream collapse, failed marriages fall apart, invented children are not born. For the first time yielding to the love inclination, young people build a new universe around the object of feelings, it becomes the center of the universe. In love, a feeling of dependence is formed, which complicates the way out of relationships. The terrible moment of the first parting is the inability to admit the illusiveness of the invented world. It seems to a man in love that life cannot continue without a lover. But what are the?
Young people are hurt by shattered dreams. The exit from the first relationship is the road of suspense. How to live on? If you are grabbing at the former lover, as the only bulwark of stability, then feelings have gone. Fears of a new life remained.
Common phenomenon -. The status “In love / in ...” changes to “Everything is difficult.” Attempting to postpone the inevitable causes more suffering. And feelings no longer return. Not left the same admiration, left interest. One obsessive and selfish idea that pulsates in my head: “What about me?” I want to prove my worth to my beloved person in the past, to hit more painfully.
Some couples choose the tactics of alternating partings and reconciliations, artificially heating up feelings.
Quarrels occur in each pair, but when they become commonplace, the seriousness of the relationship must be forgotten.
Another category subject to sensual breaking is people prone to deep inner experiences and stable feelings. They masterfully heat up the internal stress. Suffering is proof of "true love." In fact, experiences are reduced to egocentric thoughts and the creation of a sublime image of the martyr.
Gradual cooling
Each time the love passes more and more unnoticed. The body seems to develop immunity. The subconscious mind is building new defense mechanisms designed to isolate a person from difficult experiences. Feelings dissolve imperceptibly. Life is going smooth course. Everything, as usual, if not for a couple of unusual discoveries:
- Thoughts became clearer. Previously, you thought about your beloved every moment, you could not concentrate on business and work, you spent free minutes sending another love message. Now you can easily switch to solving important tasks and occasionally recall the former object of admiration.
- You spend more time with yourself, family, friends. Now you do not run, as before, to meet your lover. You have time for your favorite series, hobby or evening in front of the computer.
- You notice shortcomings that you have not seen before. Perfect image lover collapses and comes to replace him more realistic.
These manifestations can be both a signal of the extinction of love, and a transitional stage between fleeting attraction and serious feeling. Between and moderate cooling is a huge abyss. When the fever of love passes, it becomes possible to examine a person better, to feel him, to learn anew. It takes time for a feeling of love to flare up. Relationships should end if the person is perceived as a stranger, and next to him there is a feeling of discomfort and tension.
5 signs of past love
It has long passed the time of love, and feelings have passed into a serious stage of permanence. Years go by, people change, living conditions. The world is fickle. Love refers to the feelings of the high, but, unfortunately, not eternal. Rarely are the lucky ones who met a couple for life. Feelings can not withstand life, separation, change. Under comfortable conditions, love develops into affection. Sometimes spouses have common children or difficulties experienced together. Such a marriage is like a friendly union, where love obligations are absent or minimized.
But how to determine that love has died away?
- Man-thing.Once a loved one became an everyday object of life, like a table or sofa. Without it, bad, uncomfortable, uncomfortable, but not deadly. In the end, you can always buy a new table, perhaps it will even be better than before.
- The lack of points of contact.Communication is reduced to a minimum. Stories about joint adventures and trips do not warm the soul. Former memories are annoying. New topics are hard to find. Sometimes conversations are reduced to domestic issues. Time couple spends separately from each other. Joint trips to the park, cinema, theater have long been forgotten. And even sleeping in the same bed is no longer a pleasure.
- Sensual discomfort.Being in the company once a loved one becomes uncomfortable. Appears shame, awkwardness, irritation, sense of humiliation. A desire to hide or leave is born. A quarrel turns into a saving event that allows you not to talk for several days on the legitimate grounds of the offended party. Habits, previously perceived as something natural, cause irritation and anger. The extinction of feelings is accompanied by shameful awkwardness, and serious conversations are postponed.
- UntouchablesTo beloved one wants to touch. Body proximity is integral. This does not mean that every evening you need to organize violent sex marathons. Each pair has its own schedule of intimate relationships. The main thing is mutual pleasure.
If the partner's touches are indifferent or unpleasant - this is a disturbing bell. Without hugs and kisses it is difficult to imagine a full-fledged love union.
Finding a feeling lighter and stronger than love is impossible. Fragile and strong at the same time, it acquires special value in the moments of parting. But do not despair if the relationship is at an impasse. The next love will give bright feelings and reveal new facets.
