The former loves me but lives with another. Why women love some men and live with others
“One of my school friends was madly in love with her classmate Andrew. She just raved about them, her breath caught, words stuck in her throat. She physically could not flirt with him, or even look at him. But for some reason I decided that at the prom he would invite her to dance, their feelings would open, and they would live happily ever after. What, of course, did not happen. The heart was broken, but hope did not die, - tells our reader Inna Tumanova (32). - Almost 20 years have passed since then, she got married and gave birth to a child. Looks quite happy. But each time, at a meeting of graduates, she, seeing him, freezes, and then the rest of the evening tells me that he still seems to her to be a man of fate and dreams, and that some unknown evil fate has separated them. ”
“If relationships do not develop, the woman begins to live them in her own fantasies, more and more idealizing the object of love,” explains psychologist Nadezhda Kuzmina, co-author of the project “Modern Psychoanalysis.” “But it’s not because of fears: to show oneself, take the first step, show one’s interest.”
Having no contact with the person you like, the woman does not get the opportunity to know his real, is stuck in the romantic phase of love. And now the perfect hero of the novel is ready for all times.
“Women tend to fantasize, they are taught from childhood to believe in fairy tales that end at the moment“ and they lived happily ever after. ” This can be true, however, in fantasy, ”explains Nadezhda Kuzmina.
And well, if naive youthful love does not interfere with creating a pair with someone else. The main thing is not to forget about the merits of a real partner. Because, as is known, it is much more difficult to idealize a person who is close by - his flaws are too clearly manifested in everyday life together.
To escape from problems in real relationships
But there is another situation: when a live husband is a woman, she is interested in another man. Most often, also inaccessible: either it is a pretty colleague from an office in another city, or a married friend, or a boss. And everything seems to be in a good relationship, but the husband is imperfect, and at night the one who is probably much better is dreaming.
“This happens because love is a pretty mythologized feeling,” explains Nadezhda Kuzmina. - That is, people like to consider: passion, attention, thirst to be constantly together must be kept for life. But over time, a strong sexual attraction in the couple decreases, the feeling is transformed, more affection, respect and trust appear. ”
A stable period in a relationship is often confused with boredom. The beloved person and the truth can pay less attention, rarely speak tender words and give flowers. It seems to a woman that her needs are not noticed. Frankly discussing this is not all have the courage: it is terrible that they will again ignore you, reject, devalue. Therefore, it is easier to imagine that some other man will always understand at a half-word. Alas, it is not.
“In fact, falling in love with another man is the first signal that there is an understatement in a couple, there are unmet needs,” says Nadezhda Kuzmina. “If you learn to talk with each other about difficulties, it will make the relationship even more intimate, more trusting, it will help to transfer them to a higher quality level.”
Because they unconsciously implement family scenarios
Often women choose not the heart, but the mind. Not that man, from whose presence breathing gets off and pulse quickens. A reliable, simple, understandable, with which to take a mortgage is not terrible.
Mind does not understand a man, so it is not easy to answer unequivocally the question whether a man can love and ignore at the same time. Most likely, this is not love, but simply physical desire, and the ignore is needed precisely so that you can get to him easier.
Relations could only begin, and he had really important or urgent matters at that time. This can also be. Source: Flickr (Marta_de_Andrés_Climent)
Does he really love?
Do not think that men can not be manipulators - they, too, is not alien. That is why he can love and ignore in order to ... But more on that later.
As for love, then at that stage of the relationship, until you are a couple, there can be no question of it: a couple of dates and a kiss at the door say only that he likes you. Love appears (or not) later. Do not believe those who immediately confessed in love or propose to marry. One can be convinced of his feelings only by following the actions of a young man. You can try to look into his eyes - they never lie.
There is one more important point: you can like him very much, but this does not mean that he will necessarily want relations with you in the future. Maybe you will not get away with character or you have completely different views on life, raising children, etc. It often happens that young people meet several girls at the same time and all of them like them until they have one, “the same” pretender.
Reasons why he ignores
- Fear
Yes, they are also afraid to be rejected or seem ridiculous. Imagine that you have two movie tickets. Most likely, you will invite boldly that of your friends to whom you are indifferent, and not the one with whom you secretly fall in love, because it is terrible to get a refusal, even for good reasons.
- Deliberate disregard
They need this method in order to lower the girl's self-esteem and thereby make her more obedient and reliable. He may be gentle and loving with you for several days, and then just disappear, not answering any calls. At this time you are all exhausted, thinking about what you have done wrong, and also thinking that no one needs you and is generally incomplete. He will then return again and will enjoy your complete submission and affection. And disappear again. And so for a long time.
- He has another
For example, he could be married or in a relationship with another girl, but he became very interested in you and could not resist, and then realize that this is not very good, and it is unfair with respect to the permanent half. Take an interest in his personal life.
The second option is that he really likes you, but he is still looking for a better pair.
- Strong employment
Relations could only begin, and he had really important or urgent matters at that time. This can also be.
Get pleasure from life - men can't stand it, that's why they will reach for you to ruin your life. Joke, but with some truth.
I will continue the resulting cycle of moaning of nameless twenty-nine ...
My wife Katya and I have been living for 8 years now. Neither bad nor good live. Worse than many, but no worse than some. It seems to love each other. No kids. Not that we don’t want it, it just didn’t work out somehow. Yes, and financially do not reach the "middle class". Anything could happen, quarreling cursing, fighting even. She was leaving for her mother, threatened with divorce, even in the registry office once pinned ... But somehow all the conflicts were mutually extinguished ...
In general, we live on the sly.
Here, about a year and a half ... no, no more. Two. And even with a half ... About two years ago I met Alena. Worked in the neighborhood. Communicated so far as. And the more we "so far" talked, the more I fell in love with her. Beautiful girl. Not an ideal and not a standard, but I fell in love with all its possible minor flaws and they became only virtues. It is only a year younger than me, so it can be not considered. Not married and, like, no relationship with anyone. Alena just lives and enjoys life! He goes hiking in the mountains, goes with friends to different cities, goes in for sports.
However, Alyona has a very complex nature. More precisely, it is difficult, most likely, only for me. For those to whom it is open - it is the soul of the company. Not. Too weak definition ... It is the center of the universe! With those - with whom she does not want to communicate ... she communicates, cheerfully and openly. And she does it not falsely, sincerely, but constantly there is a feeling that something is wrong ...
So for me, it became the center of the universe, the meaning of my life. Like a classic "he lays it down with a name, he gets up with that name." And I also fell into the category of people with whom she does not want to communicate.
How does a lover behave? Right. Like an idiot. So I behaved like an idiot. Why "led"? I lead. Dragged her flowers, apples. cards, all sorts of stupid little things ... Of course, in the end, I began to tire her. She was not so excited about me. And I wanted everything for her, I wanted for her.
In general, this is such a tense friendship.
Despite this, she became my dearest and closest person in the whole world ...
I confessed to her about my feelings for her and about my attitude. What should be the reaction of a person to whom you are indifferent? Right. None Took note. It was often the case that I had clearly “got it”, I gave myself the word not to approach it, not to communicate. But he repeated his mistake again. Sometimes even she came up to chat and again as if nothing had happened ...
And the brain broke. The brain did not know what to do. I even got drunk once, although I don’t drink alcohol at all. Horseradish fix. Does not help at all.
From that job he resigned for almost a year. Sometimes we correspond with Alena in VK. Even fancy, as it is fashionable to say. Tried to convince her that "love has passed, dried up tomatoes," but she is also not a fool. The general mood of these mini-correspondence was in the same style, as before, it seems to be friendly, and it seemed to be strained. Sometimes I stopped by her to work, too, somehow everything was on a "friendly ignore".
Then she somehow turned out to be a bad day for her recently ... I climbed to her with my "podderzhkami" - in the end I received "I don't want to talk to you"! Removed from friends, didn’t answer the phone and sms ... The next day I came to her work - there I received the same thing “get away from me, I don’t want to talk to you”.
But the truth is, why is it for me ...
I got up and left. Gone, deciding to forget and break. I deleted all her photos, deleted my phone number and my page in VK, so that there was no temptation to go to her page, write to her ...
So four days have passed ...
Suddenly she calls me. I walked past my work and decided to call me to apologize for my behavior. Another proof of the ideality of this man ... The girl calls FIRST to SORRY !!
We met, chatted for a couple of minutes, as always, about anything and brought me again ...
Ugly VK, it turns out, can still show the user's page, even if you are not registered in it.
I deleted the phone number from the notebook, but not from my brain, which learned 11 numbers, like a mantra. By the same mean-spirited Google, without asking, restored the entry in the phone.
A few days later I met her on the street. We chatted a little and Alena let me know that I was intrusive and not pleasant to her. It is also not saying goodbye, I disappeared.
The next day, I sent her a "control" sms, "Hello," and received in reply, "Hello, normal." Again, again she did not write "fuck off, goat, zadolbal." I would be glad for that much more.
I think it is necessary to hold a "confrontation." I want to come to her and make a choice, either she sends me away for a long time, or peace, friendship, chewing gum.
The second option, of course I want, but even more afraid of him. What will I do with him ...
The first option is more correct. But living with it is hard. From the head and heart, it is not going anywhere. In addition, most likely, I will sooner or later fall asleep and write to her the same "hello" and in response I will receive "hello normal" again.
But, most likely, she will leave from the direct answer. There will be neither there nor here. Everything will hang again. Although I myself understand that the situation is leaning towards "fuck off." But men in love are stupid. They do not understand the hints. Even very opaque. Need to send out loud and direct text. You can even move in the face. CAN then come, although there is no guarantee ...
And now I sit and look at her new photo - updated yesterday. I look at her photos every day. And I restrain myself not to write it. She didn’t answer the utterly "baked it a lot" ... And she also dreamed about me today. Alena often dreams of me ...
And what about the wife? I love Katya ... probably love it. Or maybe not. Maybe this is the very habit. Elementary, habit, Hope (s). I often think that I just regret it ... I do not know. But I don’t feel for her those feelings, and especially such strength as for Alena. And now, during a quarrel, I expel her to my mother and I drag her to the registrar. Then. Of course, I regret it ... Or maybe not.
Does anyone have a blinker like the "black people"?
Saved
Psychologist Nadezhda Kuzmina explains why a mythical love for a man who is not her husband or partner appears in the life of a woman.
For fear of showing your interest
“One of my school friends was madly in love with her classmate Andrew. She just raved about them, her breath caught, words stuck in her throat. She physically could not flirt with him, or even look at him. But for some reason I decided that at the prom he would invite her to dance, their feelings would open, and they would live happily ever after. What, of course, did not happen. The heart was broken, but hope did not die, - tells our reader Inna Tumanova (32). - Almost 20 years have passed since then, she got married and gave birth to a child. Looks quite happy. But each time, at a meeting of graduates, she, seeing him, freezes, and then the rest of the evening tells me that he still seems to her to be a man of fate and dreams, and that some unknown evil fate has separated them. ”
“Unfulfilled love of life” can be anyone: a cute neighbor boy, classmate, boy from a parallel stream. Not Kurt Cobain or Viktor Tsoi. A completely real man of flesh and blood.
“If relationships do not develop, the woman begins to live them in her own fantasies, more and more idealizing the object of love,” explains psychologist Nadezhda Kuzmina, co-author of the project “Modern Psychoanalysis.” “But it’s not because of fears: to show oneself, take the first step, show one’s interest.”
Having no contact with the person you like, the woman does not get the opportunity to know his real, is stuck in the romantic phase of love. And now the perfect hero of the novel is ready for all times.
“Women tend to fantasize, they are taught from childhood to believe in fairy tales that end at the moment“ and they lived happily ever after. ” This can be true, however, in fantasy, ”explains Nadezhda Kuzmina.
And well, if naive youthful love does not interfere with creating a pair with someone else. The main thing is not to forget about the merits of a real partner. Because, as is known, it is much more difficult to idealize a person who is close by - his flaws are too clearly manifested in everyday life together.
To escape from problems in real relationships
But there is another situation: when a live husband is a woman, she is interested in another man. Most often, also inaccessible: either it is a pretty colleague from an office in another city, or a married friend, or a boss. And everything seems to be in a good relationship, but the husband is imperfect, and at night the one who is probably much better is dreaming.
“This happens because love is a pretty mythologized feeling,” explains Nadezhda Kuzmina. - That is, people like to consider: passion, attention, thirst to be constantly together must be kept for life. But over time, a strong sexual attraction in the couple decreases, the feeling is transformed, more affection, respect and trust appear. ”
A stable period in a relationship is often confused with boredom. The beloved person and the truth can pay less attention, rarely speak tender words and give flowers. It seems to a woman that her needs are not noticed. Frankly discussing this is not all have the courage: it is terrible that they will again ignore you, reject, devalue. Therefore, it is easier to imagine that some other man will always understand at a half-word. Alas, it is not.
“In fact, falling in love with another man is the first signal that there is an understatement in a couple, there are unmet needs,” says Nadezhda Kuzmina. “If you learn to talk with each other about difficulties, it will make the relationship even more intimate, more trusting, it will help to transfer them to a higher quality level.”
Because they unconsciously implement family scenarios
Often women choose not the heart, but the mind. Not that man, from whose presence breathing gets off and pulse quickens. A reliable, simple, understandable, with which to take a mortgage is not terrible.
“Fear of trusting your feelings is an echo of an internal conflict,” Nadezhda Kuzmina explains. “Meanwhile, what a woman feels is how she feels she needs to live.”
Installation of the "how to", often unknowingly taken over by a woman from her mother. For example, if she had a bad experience, a lovelace husband who turned her head and disappeared, she would broadcast her daughter: “do not trust, choose a reliable one”. There is a logic: reliable is the one who does not show violent emotions, does not cause excitement, and therefore does not seem frivolous.
It is worth learning to trust your feelings and not be afraid to get your own experience. And then it may well be that with a charming, warm man, causing a trembling in his knees, you can also be happy.
A source
