How to painlessly survive a divorce from your wife if you still love: advice from a psychologist
Parting with a loved one is always very difficult. In marriage, we grind to our spouses, make compromises and make great efforts to maintain peace and tranquility. It so happens that despite all the attempts to preserve the marriage, it still falls apart, and nothing can be done about it.
How to survive a divorce from your wife if you still love her? Are there any secrets on how to get over it painlessly? How to behave in a new relationship, is it worth starting them immediately after a divorce, or is it better to be alone?
How can a man survive a divorce?
Psychologists are sure that men and women experience parting with their partners in different ways. This is due to the natural characteristics of the psyche of both sexes. It was revealed that men experience more severe emotional pain, although they do not externally show this.
The worst solution is to try to drown your grief in a bottle. The problem will not be solved from this, but it is quite possible to acquire also dependence on alcohol. The relief that intoxication gives is an illusion that melts away after sobering up, and the pain returns with the same force. Visit a psychologist's consultation, he will be able to suggest effective ways to help overcome a difficult condition and make you focus on the future.
If you still love, but your wife is the initiator of parting
Think about what exactly prompted your ex-spouse to break up. Most likely, the claims were made many times, because women are characterized by emotional threats: "I'm getting divorced!" and demonstrative cares for mom. Remember what did not suit your wife in family life. It is possible that there is at least a small chance of rebuilding the relationship if you manage to sit down at the negotiating table and openly discuss the situation.
Talk to the woman you love, try to take her place, without accusations, irritation and threats. Do not make promises to improve, do not load up with gifts, but find out the real reason for her departure. When you understand why she breaks off relations with you, try to correct your behavior, show yourself in a different light.
If she lacked attention and love, give her care and affection, make compliments, find options for joint recreation. In case of domestic complaints, overcome your laziness and show that you can be both an economic and a reliable life partner. If you used to spend a lot of time in noisy companies until the morning, then leave your habit in the past, show your wife the seriousness of your intentions to save the marriage.
Just do not forget that your correct behavior should not be a staging until your spouse returns to you, but a deliberate change, serious work on yourself. Behave in this way in the future, otherwise the situation will repeat itself, which will only be unnecessary stress for both of you.
If there is a common child
If the family has children, then divorce becomes a drama not only for parents, but also for children. The father has to make a huge effort so that there is no gulf between him and his offspring. This happens very often, and subsequently men forget about their children, and they do not forgive their childish offense. If you divorced their mother, this is not a reason to destroy the relationship with the children.
After the parents divorce, children often develop health problems - from those whose cause lies on the surface (stuttering, sleep disturbances, nervous breakdowns, vegetative-vascular dystonia), to more serious disorders that can significantly harm the child. Keep negative consequences to a minimum. Explain to your son or daughter that despite the fact that dad will live separately, he will participate in their life, help when necessary.
Do your best to maintain a friendly relationship with the woman. When spouses part as enemies, the father is often prevented from seeing the children and spending time with them. Communicate with your wife calmly, without irritation, this behavior will save you nerves and will not injure the children.
Try not to distance yourself from your children, congratulate them on all the holidays, give gifts on the occasion. Attend school, daycare, meetings, and offer home help. If possible, invite your spouse to take walks with the children. It happens that a woman, seeing changes in her husband's behavior, his attention and care, reconsiders her decision to divorce.
After 20 years of marriage
Divorce is especially difficult after a long marriage. When 20 years of family life are behind, there are no plans for the future, and the age is not the same, it is extremely difficult to survive the gap. Men get used to it so much that there is a woman in the house that they simply cannot imagine how to live without her further.
In addition to the problem of loneliness, many men also experience domestic difficulties. During marriage, they do not attach much importance to such little things as cooking and cleaning. After the wife leaves, they begin to experience a lack of female hands, some cannot even decide what to wear to work today, and are not able to cook a simple dish. Most husbands do not assume before divorce that the wife took on such a number of household chores.
A man has no one to turn to for advice in everyday matters, get support or just talk after a hard day at work. Then he is consumed by an acute feeling of loneliness, from which there is no escape. After spending all day with colleagues or friends, he returns to an empty apartment, where no one is waiting for him.
From this point of view, it is easier for a woman to survive a breakup, because she has children who take a lot of time and do not let her become limp and suffer. Many household chores and children's fun await at home.
Psychologists in this difficult life situation give men the following advice:
- Remove everything that reminds you of a loved one, all photographs. Put her things, which are still left, separately and give to your ex-wife. It is good to make repairs at home, or at least rearrange the furniture, change the curtains. The renewed environment will not remind you of what happened every day.
- Be sure to plan your future life. The lack of a clear plan of action, of views for the future leads to a dead end, deprives one of the desire to live on. Consider what you would like to achieve in the short term. Let the goals relate to promotion at work or the development of your hobby.
- Try a great exercise that will help you adequately assess what is happening to you. Take a piece of paper and line it in two. On the one hand, write down the pros of parting, on the other, the cons. Concentrate on the pros. Hang the list in a prominent place and periodically adjust it, add new items. You will soon realize that there are not so few advantages in this situation.
Men cry and that's okay!
Feel free to give free rein to your feelings. Many men cannot cry even when alone with themselves, so strong are the stereotypes of our society. Women endure stress more easily precisely because they can cry and get rid of negative experiences. Men should learn this feminine technique, it really helps to effectively deal with life's troubles.
Locking in oneself threatens not only depressive conditions, but also health problems. Men are more likely to suffer from heart disease and strokes because they keep their bad experiences to themselves.
Give yourself some slack and cry at least once or twice. Go alone to nature, to a deserted place and shout out - "shout out" all the pain and suffering from yourself. You will feel that it has become much easier.
Chat with family and friends
When a man breaks off a long relationship, a desire arises to withdraw into himself, to isolate himself from the outside world. This cannot be done, solitude will only increase the depressive state.
A person in a difficult situation really needs an understanding interlocutor. It's great if you have a friend or friend with whom you can discuss your emotions frankly and not hold back the pain. Speak openly, do not accumulate negativity inside.
Chat with people, not necessarily close ones, about different topics. Avoid loneliness, try to be in a circle of people you like.
If there is no loved one who is able to listen to you without interrupting or denying your feelings, go to a psychologist. When you can open your soul to someone, you will feel tremendous relief, freeing yourself from the burden of negative emotions. In addition, a specialist will tell you how to get out of this situation in the best way.
Find your favorite activity
After your wife left, you have a lot of free time and energy. It is necessary to channel them into a peaceful and effective channel. Concentrate all your efforts on finding a new hobby or do something that you have always enjoyed very much. Take all of your work hours and weekends into a truly fun experience.
My wife did not let go fishing before - buy new tackle, a tent and go! Maybe you dreamed about ATV or skydiving? Now is the time to fulfill your desires. Get the most of positive emotions from interesting things, connect your friends to this. Take an active life position.
Start a new relationship when you're ready for it.
Do not rush into making new love relationships. Painful experiences immediately after a divorce will not allow you to build good trusting relationships.
Short-term relationships often arise from a desire to annoy your ex-wife. They do not last long and do not bring relief. On the contrary, having learned about your adventures, the wife, if she thinks about family reunification, is now unlikely to give you a second chance.
According to studies, even after a long time, about 80% of men involuntarily compare their new companion with their ex-wife against the first. The wife, in his ideas, becomes an ideal, to which no one can approach.
