Simple rules: how to fight less often
Frequent quarrels in a relationship make both sides of a couple suffer. And it is not uncommon for the thought to give up everything so that it finally ends. But it doesn't make sense to change the boat if you don't know how to control the oars. So, we learn to avoid conflicts and make our life happier!
High expectations
Often, one of the partners in a love relationship thinks that he will later cope with the shortcomings of a loved one / beloved. However, after unsuccessful attempts, it starts to strain both.
Sometimes it's just enough to start accepting a person for who he is and stop changing him.
Tired of each other
It starts when people spend a lot of time together. Then all interesting topics are reduced to a minimum, there is more silence, disagreements, irritation, etc. That is why psychologists sometimes advise to take a break from each other.
Jealousy
To a jealous person, everything seems suspicious: the other half comes back from work for a long time, unfamiliar numbers call, an outfit that is too revealing, etc.
Often this can be eradicated by being more open with such a person and the exclusion of those moments that annoy him so much:
- stop communicating with people of the opposite sex;
- call back unknown numbers together;
- talking on the phone on the way home, if you are late, etc.
Stress
They can arise in connection with a rush at work, poor health, misunderstanding with parents, fatigue, lack of sleep, etc. In such cases, there is often unfounded criticism and a sharper reaction to everything that happens around.
Living with such a person, you just need to be patient and start taking measures: give more time to rest, send for treatment, help with business.
Influence of outsiders
It also happens that others are not delighted with your choice, so they try in every possible way to "open your eyes." While you defend your loved one in front of them, you still unknowingly begin to pay attention to what they talked so hard about. Irritation and frequent quarrels appear.
You can eliminate this by prohibiting discussion with your partner, or by minimizing communication with strangers.
What to do
Frequent quarrels are, in principle, the norm. This means that people are not indifferent to each other. And if your partner still stays with you, despite the systematic abuse, then this says a lot.
Do not stir up the past
If you have already tried to do this, you probably noticed how you began to react sharply to moments that were somehow connected with the past, although before you lived and did not think about anything.
Correctly they say: you know less - you sleep better. Forget about what came before you and do not be interested in it, and you will not have any jealousy, no "troubles" or other "headaches". This person is already with you. What else is needed?
Don't leave questions unresolved
It would seem that sometimes it is better to just end a quarrel by bringing it to naught with silence or assent. Indeed, this can be done, and life is much calmer. However, this only applies to those cases when you will never return to these situations.
If you would later like to exclude such actions of your partner, then it is worth talking. But this also needs to be done correctly:
- tell about what made you nervous: “It was unpleasant for me when you ...”;
- ask me not to do this anymore, if possible: “Do not do this anymore, please - don’t make me nervous”;
- offer an alternative (how a person should act so that it does not cause negative emotions in you).
Important!
Do not forget the proverb “If you like to ride - love to carry sledges”. This means that you cannot constantly ask without giving something in return. This can be expressed in gratitude, pleasant words, caring, tenderness and readiness to fulfill the partner's requests in response.
Forget the words "You must / must!"
Nobody owes you anything. You are an accomplished person with arms, legs and brains. Even your own parents don't owe you anything. Take it for granted. A person helps - well, no - well, okay, so you can do it yourself.
A very simple solution is to replace the words "You must / must" with "I would be pleased if you ...". Believe me, the effect will be completely different! A person who didn't even want to do something is likely to meet you halfway.
And do not forget about the elementary rules of ethics - use the word "please" more often.
Lower the bar on expectations and requirements
Most often, the reason for frequent quarrels in relationships is that one of the partners requires too much, and the other cannot give it. In this case, it is worth remembering once again that there are no ideal people. Therefore, you do not need to strive to remake a person to suit you. This is the lot of egoists.
Do you know why there are much less quarrels in calm couples than in you? Because they do not require that the boots do not constantly interfere in the hallway - the one who does not like it simply silently removes them himself; they think: if the dishes were not removed after dinner, it means that the person did not have the time or the mood to do it, well, or he doesn’t bother at all.
Don't stop accepting each other
Here are examples of how a person's worldview changes over time:
- The guy is the "soul" of the company... He knows a lot of jokes, is always in a good mood, will support any conversation. At first, for a girl, he is an attractive and charismatic young man who does not want to reveal his problems in public. Then, when the couple lives together for a long time, the capricious lady begins to perceive his behavior as "show off" and carelessness, which is expressed in the fact that the man does not care about everything. As a result, he begins to annoy her, so she begins to "nag" him.
- The girl is able to fight back, she is bright and obstinate... It attracts her partner, he considers this trait special, he says: "Damn it, my kitty is releasing its claws again!" After a couple of years of marriage, she becomes for him "a bitch who wants to tame him."
So what are we for ... You need to periodically return to those feelings and sensations that arose in you earlier - at the first stage of the relationship. At a time when you considered all these shortcomings as advantages that make you smile and say: "Well, yes, this is how he is - my beloved person."
Important!
If you do not like something in a person, this is not his fault, but your whim. What annoys you can be attractive to other people.
Learn to quarrel correctly
So the quarrel begins. What does each of the interlocutors often do? Begins to defend his innocence. Moreover, not in the most benevolent tone. Such a conversation almost never leads to anything.
There are ways to make conflict more fruitful. For this you need:
- speak only calmly;
- if you see that the interlocutor is hot, say that you will not talk to him in that tone, it is better to wait for both of you to "walk away";
- you do not need to prove your opinion, but you need to voice it and back it up with facts, arguments;
- you should not interrupt your partner, as this is often annoying, which leads to a bad reaction;
- remember: it is better to be silent more than to yell and offend the interlocutor.
Control what is said
Do you like to get excited during a quarrel with a girl or a guy and say a bunch of nasty things? Then do not be surprised that your relationship deteriorates.
The fact is that no matter how you later deny that, they say, it was said from evil, your significant other will remember all those offensive words for a long time.
After this, there is often a chilling to a person, because we all want to be idolized, and not humiliated.
Know how to ask
This point is very important, because, most often, this is where the dog is buried. Take a look at yourself from the outside. How you communicate? Would you like it if people talked to you the same way? It is not a fact that the answers to these questions will satisfy you.
Know how to admit to yourself if, indeed, there are claims, instructions, etc. from your side.
If this is your case, then remember:
Start communicating with your significant other the way you would like them to communicate with you. See how your relationship will change! And almost as soon as you start to get it!
Most importantly, be gentle. No one will like it when there are complaints, reproaches, direct criticism, etc. in the conversation.
Let us give examples of what has been said of the same meaning, but in different words:
- Badly:“How do you cook? Well, there is always a lot of salt! It is impossible to eat! "
Good: Can I ask you to add less salt next time? Salt, please, less - so, it seems to me, it will be even tastier! "
- Badly:"You are so lazy that you can't even sit with a child!"
Good:“Could you sit with the baby? And I would have done some business for now. Yes, and by the evening I will not get so tired, well, you know what I mean ... ".
Learn to accept rejection. If you get a “no” in response to your request, try to understand the person why he did so. Perhaps he is not feeling well, promised a friend to meet / help, is simply tired, or even thinks that this is not his duty - these are all NORMAL explanations.
If they do not suit you, either resign yourself or try to act cunningly. For example:
- If the wife stops caring for herself, tell her how beautiful she was before, especially in that outfit and with such and such a hairstyle, and as soon as she "conjures" over herself, admire her appearance, make a lot of compliments.
- Also in the case of a man: not everyone considers it normal to help his wife around the house. However, you can involve him in this. For example, when rolling out dumplings dough, ask him to help you. Your request should be based on the fact that you are so bad at it, and it is a little hard for you, and he is so strong and “handy” - he will definitely help you make perfect dumplings!
In the end, I would like to wish every reader to start applying these tips in their lives. There is no need to be afraid to make concessions, because this is not a weakness, but a strength, a talent that anyone can acquire!
And one more thing: before collecting things after another quarrel, think about whether you will really be fine without this person? Is the reason for the quarrel so weighty? Is she worthy of your nerves?
