Constant fights in a relationship - what to do?
I was inspired to write this article by a lovely couple who turned to me for help. There was a lot of sensual energy between them, but they were not used to talking about their differences constructively. This needs to be learned. This is a skill that helps very well, especially when spiced with love.
Dedicated to all loving couples.
He saw her, she was good ... First acquaintance ... Falling in love ... Passionate sex ...
The girl in love can be seen from afar. As soon as he appears in her field of vision, she is transformed. Life, real life, begins to shine in her eyes. The back is straightened, the posture is like a queen, the gestures are softer, the voice trembles. "You are beautiful, I like you the way you are, I adore you." During this period, the idealization of the partner is very strong. There are many emotions. Hormones sing their songs. Things are good. Relationships are the best. It would always be like this.
For some, it lasts one day, and in the morning you have to reel in the fishing rods. Some lucky ones stretch the euphoric period of the year for three. But no one has “always”. Well, unless you are sick, and something is wrong with hormones.
There comes a period when love seems to be there. What is there! She's even tighter than she was before. But the one I love grows overgrown with disgusting flaws, and sometimes so infuriates that I want to kill!
What is the risk for the relationship?
Very often in pairs, one is impulsive and easygoing, and the other is the other way around. And then, for one, the quarrel is over, he has cooled down, emotions have subsided - and everything is fine. "Darling (dear), why not celebrate our truce with hot sex?" But no - the partner has “the sediment left”. He held on so as not to get involved “in this hassle,” and now he is experiencing a peak of negativity.
But even if in your conflicts there is continuous synchronicity - we started together, finished together, and went to the cinema holding hands. Anyway, repeated fights can be exhausting. Then, at the slightest hint of a dispute, the inner voice whispers doomedly: "sho, again ???"
And what a shame it is when this repetitive mess is not in essence, but in trifles. After all, all this is not so important, not more important than the relationship, but you turn on, as if somewhere a red button was pressed! And until the song plays out, there is no chance of rest.
A particularly dangerous case is when at least one of the participants in the scandal generalizes actual emotions to all relationships. Now, at this moment, he (she) believes that this is the END. Collapse of the relationship: “This is no longer possible!”, “Divorce”, “Leave my house”, “I am leaving”, and many other options. Sometimes they really go away. Come back. Or do not return. Who is as lucky. Well, depending on what you call luck, for some couples it is better to run away once and for all than to continue tormenting yourself and those around you.
What to do?
Today we are talking not just about the psychology of relationships, but about a quarrel, and any of its synonyms (conflict, scandal, hassle, dispute, bickering - emphasize the necessary). And to further narrow the topic, we will talk about how to behave in the process of a quarrel. Provided that it started. We will not talk about how to avoid a fight. And let's not talk about how to learn the lessons. Not all at once.
- The first thing you can try to learn is to be aware of the starting point as early as possible. I have heard more than once from friends and clients that they find themselves in consciousness a couple of hours after an argument. When the tree, along with the garlands, has already been thrown out of the window, or pots with the remnants of flowers lie on the floor.
- When you realize you are getting turned on, try to localize the problem. What exactly does not suit you now? Look for the wording. Clear, understandable.
- Move on. Remember, even if by an effort of will, the following: do you love this person? Or at least do you respect? Appreciate? Remember that emotionally sensual thing that basically keeps you together. This is the basis of your relationship. And this is always important to remember. During any quarrels. If, before making a claim, you tell your partner: “I remember that I love you. And I am going to live with you for the rest of my life. That is why it is important for me to wake up every morning not to be annoyed with dirty dishes. It is important for me to find a solution so that our life is more comfortable. ”And then the text of your main message. Such an approach (provided it is sincere of course) will allow you, and even more so the interlocutor, to slow down a little. There will be a chance to get out of the defensive position and start listening to each other. Your subsequent words are no longer be so offensive or destructive.
- But this is certainly not enough. Listen to exactly how you speak. Not what, but how. Not content, but form. It is important to say less “you” and more “me”. It is important to talk about what the consequences of her (his) actions you are experiencing. Are you annoyed? Are you uncomfortable in front of others? You're upset? Tell me about this, and not just about the fact that “YOU are late again”, “YOU do not take my opinion into account”, “YOU are always criticizing me”.
- Also ... well, it is highly advisable to avoid generalizations. “You are always criticizing” is exactly what you shouldn't say. “Forever”, “always”, “everything”, “never”, “no way” are words that do not carry meaning and specificity, they only increase the emotional intensity. Do you need it?
And finally, two, in my opinion, the most difficult, but very valuable moments.
- First. Tell the other what in this situation you are on his side. What part of what he does, you understand and accept. This is a step towards another. And this provokes him (her) to also take a step towards you. And that is your goal, isn't it?
- Second. Tell the other what you are willing to do in this situation. Yes Yes exactly. What can you do to help someone else meet you halfway? For some reason, he does not succeed. He doesn't do it out of spite. If we proceed from these premises, then the chance to be heard increases incredibly. If you prefer to believe that your partner is acting in spite of you, I'm sorry, but this is a dead end. Then you can forget everything that is written here. Swear on your health.
At the very end, I want to note that all of the above is not a dogma. You can be guided by these ideas, but execute them in your own way. And of course, I'm sure many of you have your own recipes for family diplomacy. Share them in the comments to the article, I will be very grateful to you for that, dear readers!
