Constant quarrels with her husband. Who is to blame and what to do? Psychologist Aza Onika's advice
Aza Onika- consultant psychologist.
Practicing private consultations.
She is married and has a daughter.
He is fond of interpreting tarot cards.
In her free time she goes in for fitness, reading, pays attention to friends and loved ones.
A beautiful woman, beloved and loving wife.
What makes a woman constantly quarrel with her husband? Often, after analyzing the causes of people's quarrels, you can come to unexpected outcomes. So, let's take a couple from Eric Berne's book Games People Play as an example.
The wife constantly complained that her husband severely restricts her social life, and therefore she never learned to dance. After a course of psychotherapy helped her change her attitudes, her husband became less confident and more forgiving. The woman was able to expand her field of activity. She signed up for dance lessons, but found to her despair that she was mortally afraid to dance in front of everyone, and had to give up lessons. This unpleasant incident sheds light on some important aspects of her marriage. Of all the many suitors, she chose the most oppressive man as her husband. This allowed her to take a position from which she could complain that she would be capable of much, "if not for you." Some of her friends also had tyrannical husbands, and when they met for a cup of coffee, they had a good time complaining about their husbands. However, it turned out that despite her complaints, her husband did her a great service, forbidding her to do what she was terribly afraid of. He even prevented her from realizing this fear of hers. This is the reason why she so shrewdly chose her husband.
But it's not only that. His prohibitions and her complaints often led to quarrels, they had little in common (except for household chores and children), so their quarrels turned into important events. It was in such cases that they had something to talk about, instead of the usual empty chatter. And because of the feeling of guilt, the husband often gave gifts that he would not have done under other circumstances. And when he gave her freedom, there were fewer gifts and they became cheaper. "
Obviously, in the described story, it is beneficial for the wife to quarrel with her husband, and these quarrels are not at all intended to change their relationship, but to support the roles they play. This always happens when a person chooses a partner unconsciously, guided by a life scenario that was formed during the period of personality formation. Many other life stories can also be attributed there. In some, you may recognize an acquaintance ... or even yourself.
A woman who carries the slogan "All men are their own ..." through life, meets exactly those on her way. And the husband often turns out to be a "villain and a tyrant", because she needs this in order to justify her gaze, and this gaze is formed under the influence, most likely, of the mother, who, in turn, took over from her mother ... generic damage - "unlucky in personal life"!
I was impressed by the story told by a friend. She complained about her neighbors making noise, disturbing other residents of the house. During the day - stormy arguments, screams, and in the evening - no less stormy passionate sex. And no matter how much such a representative of the weaker sex will complain about her lot, her marriage will definitely last a long time, since in these relations she satisfies her masochistic aspirations. Moreover, such masochism exists in its classical sense, that is, a state of sexual arousal experienced in situations of deprivation, humiliation and pain. Statements of this kind: “If it were not for him, I would now be a famous journalist (model, singer, artist, teacher, doctor ...)”, “He makes me unhappy (cheats, does not respect, devalues, drinks, plays in the casino ...) you need to rephrase “I allowed him to limit his development and did not become what I wanted to become”; "I let him make myself unhappy."
Take responsibility for your life. Each person builds it himself and chooses a lifestyle and a partner that suits him. But, fortunately, it's never too late to change your life for the better. You just need to want, be able to realize reality and not be afraid of changes. And then quarrels will replace constructive conversations, but we will talk about that later.
When else is it profitable for a woman to quarrel?
Then, when she strives for power in a relationship, because whoever is offended has power. In some cases, a constantly swearing woman simply brought experience from her family into her relationship, such a behavior pattern formed in her as a child. It is enough to discuss this during meetings with a psychologist and already the influence, this kind of parental scenarios weakens, because awareness is the key to release from complexes.
Sometimes quarrels can be an indicator of internal psychological problems, such as self-assertion by aggressively proving one’s innocence and one’s authoritarianism, or talk about the specific character and temperament of a person. And sometimes people just do not find another way to say that they are tired of communicating with a person. The above applies to those cases when conflicts last for years, and quarrels that occur constantly, do not lead to anything, nothing changes in people's lives.
But one cannot but say about those cases when quarrels are beneficial, no matter how strange it may sound. The fact is that it is very useful to show your emotions, and it is extremely harmful to accumulate them. Therefore, when you want to express and even shout somewhere, releasing the accumulated negative, do not restrain yourself. You have the right to do so. Remember that open conflict is more likely to be resolved than latent conflict, which takes on a chronic form and can poison any relationship.
Family crises are also accompanied by quarrels. These are natural processes in the family cycle. Any crisis is a transition to a new level of relations. But, unfortunately, not all marriages can withstand this, at some stage the union breaks up.
How to withstand these trials and not let the relationship die? How to turn a fight into healthy communication between two adults?
There is a lot of psychological literature on the topic of relationships and building a dialogue between a man and a woman. Seeing a psychologist will help you learn how to optimally interact with your partner. The most important thing is not to blame your partner, which may cause him to want to defend himself and fight back, but to talk about his feelings. For example, instead of "You hurt me!" - "I feel hurt" or instead of "You hurt me!" - "I feel pain from what happened."
This will help your partner to focus on your feelings, understand you better, hear ... And it is also important to make the right remark. Another example, instead of "You forgot to give me your hand again when I got out of the car, you are always inattentive!" - "You are so wonderful with me, but if you were more attentive and would give me your hand, then I would be completely delighted with you!"?
That is, the scheme of the phrase is as follows - positive statement (stroking) + remark + positive statement (stroking). Or “You are, of course, right, but I think you can…. , what do you think about that?". In this case, you acknowledge his authority + insert your opinion + as if asking for advice, which again reinforces his authority (it is important for a man to feel recognized).
Making a marriage happy, without quarrels, is within the capabilities of every woman. This, of course, is work and real art. "Enchant" your relationship, because family life is like a garden that needs to be looked after. And the result is your love, which will bloom with beautiful flowers in this garden. Be happy!
